The last time I went to see the sex therapist was more than a month ago, and I don’t think I am going to go back. I think we have gotten everything we can from her, and I don’t think she can provide the help that we currently need..
As we talked with her, I realized that we really have enough resources to address my premature ejaculation. There is nothing that we talked about with her that indicated that my diagnosis of my PE is incorrect. I probably have neurologic system PE and sexual skill deficit PE (both of those are from Coping with Premature Ejaculation. See the resources page.) I don’t have relationship PE, that is PE caused by a problem in my relationship. I think the sex therapist might have been more helpful in that situation, but with my basic skill deficit, I am not sure how helpful she will be. I have also found good information with the Tantric and sexual energy articles and books, neither of which she would probably be able to help with. So I think we are better off working our way through exercises ourselves.
I want to make it clear, however, that she was immensely helpful for us overall. She was the one who introduced me to No More Mr. Nice Guy, which shook me out of complacency and got me moving again. I still cannot believe how helpful and insightful that book has been. From the book I saw things about myself that I hadn’t before, and I am able to start addressing them now. These are all problems long-standing problems and as I recognize them and start to take action, my life and relationships will improve immensely.
The sex therapist also helped my wife and I start to talk more honestly and openly about sex. We uncovered a lot of problems and frustrations in a very short period of time. It brought parts of our relationship and pasts that had been hiding out into the open, and allowed to start talking about it and understanding each other. The process of going to a sex therapist and talking with a third party got us past a hump that we had been stuck on through the previous years of our marriage. Just that push has put us in motion, moving in the right direction together. It has opened up better communication about sex specifically, and our relationship in general.
My wife and I still have more work to do to get our marriage to where we want it to be. The discussions have surfaced some frustrations and resentments that we both have built up over the years that have never been addressed directly. They are things that we have overlooked but bother us and ultimately drive us apart. We also still have big problems in empathy and conflict resolution that have remained almost unchanged since we got married. We need to work on these and finally get past them. I think involving a counselor will facilitate and speed the process of growth and healing, but I would prefer to go to a good, Biblically based counselor for this. Reading parts of No More Mr. Nice Guy reminded me that counsel not based on the Bible can be contrary to it and, therefore, detrimental and destructive to our marriage. I have a friend who is going to what sounds like an excellent, biblically sound counselor, so I am going to get in touch with him and start there.
I appreciate everything that the sex therapist did for us and how she helped to move us along, but I think she did her job, and now it is time to move on. The work isn’t done, but we need to use different tools.
Thanks, Dr. S.
Be Free Indeed 