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Counselor – Take One

I am not sure how well I have conveyed the communication problems and conflict my wife and I have had over my premature ejaculation (and general frustration with our sex life) over the last couple of months.  We have had several conversations that just have not gone well and ended up making things worse rather than better.  At some point, my wife said “We need to find someone to talk with about your PE.  We just can’t talk with each other about it any more.”  I was in agreement. I had wanted to find a therapist when I started this process more than four years ago.  We actually saw one a couple of times, but by my memory, she didn’t want to continue to go, so we stopped.  So I thought is was a good sign that she suggested going to see a therapist again.

So I started searching.  I very quickly remembered the frustration with my last search.  There is basically only one counselor / therapist in our area who specializes in couples sexual therapy, and she was the one we had already visited.  My wife was not interested in going back.

After some digging, I found another guy who said he worked with sexual problems.  I sent him an email asking some basic questions.  When I read his reply, he sounded confident and clear, so I forwarded the email to my wife.  She quickly wrote back, “Sounds good.  Let’s go to see him!”

So we booked an appointment for he next week.  I drove to the office anticipating a great meeting and thinking about all of the progress we were going to make.  I met my wife there, we filled out some forms, and then the counselor came out of his office.  I couldn’t have been more disappointed.  He was quiet, shifty, and not personable.  He talked like he couldn’t get a complete sentence out his mouth.  We went through with the entire session, but he came across like he couldn’t really even talk about sex openly.  He also made some suggestions that lead me to believe he didn’t know what he was talking about it.

We had made follow-up appointments before we left, but after we talked about it, I had to call him up and cancel.

So not so great a start.  Back to the search for another therapist.

 

 
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Posted by on March 6, 2016 in Sex

 

Reprint – 10 Things I Learned by Having Sex with My Husband

Here is an article I found tonight called 10 Things I Learned by Having Sex with My Husband.  I thought it might be good encouragement for the wives who are reading this blog.  I copied it here in case it disappears.

10 Things I Learned by Having Sex with My Husband

I’m probably a lot like you: I work, have a family, and manage a household, so the pace of my days usually rivals the speed of light. And, as it often happens, sex got pushed to the bottom of my to-do list. Luckily, just as my 13-year marriage was poised for a nosedive, I came up with an idea that resurrected my sex life and saved my marriage. Here’s what happened: For his 40th birthday I gave my husband the gift of 40 straight days of sex on a whim. The next morning, I panicked, realizing I could never survive that much sex—physically or emotionally. Desperate to make my gift more manageable, I tweaked my original offer and gave him 40 beads—each one good for a roll in the hay. Those beads changed everything about our life together and eventually became The Forty Beads Method, detailed in my new book Forty Beads: The Simple, Sexy Secret for Transforming Your Marriage. Here are 10 surprising marriage lessons I learned when I got better at getting busy with my husband.

1. When it comes to love, it pays big to pay it forward. Sometimes, when you give a truly selfless gift, what you get in return is your own heart’s greatest desire. In other words, I didn’t give my husband those beads because I wanted more sex. I was perfectly fine with our marginal-at-best sex life. I gave him those beads because I knew he wanted more sex. And what I’ve gotten in return is the loving, connected relationship I’ve always wanted. Sure, I took a risk, loosening my grip on the sexual power in my relationship, but the risk was so worth the reward.

2. Creating a sense of abundance around sex changes everything. Seriously—it’s so true. Before I stumbled across The Forty Beads Method, my husband never felt like there was enough sex in his life. Sound familiar? I now realize that his dour assessment of his sexual situation created a sense of lack that permeated our whole relationship.(And, by the way, he was right—our sex life was in the toilet.) Giving my husband those beads created a major shift, from a sense of lack to a sense of abundance around sex, which immediately triggered a deluge of love, altruism and gratitude that changed everything about our relationship. He started going out of his way to fill my needs—like offering to pick up the kids from school or just taking out the trash without being asked. Now, you might say he should’ve been doing those things before. And maybe so, but after 13 years of marriage, let’s just say we weren’t giving each other our best selves. After I tossed him those beads, we suddenly had an abundance of sweet little gestures, laughter and love bouncing back and forth between us. Sound like magic? I know—I think so, too, but really, it’s all about abundance.

3. A healthy, habitual sex life continually moves a relationship forward. Sex keeps a couple connected and keeps a relationship moving forward—progressing and evolving. Not having sex keeps a relationship stuck, or worse, kicks it headlong into a tailspin. I swam against the current of not enough sexin my marriage for years until I found an easy, fun way to go with the flow. Using The Forty Beads Method, I’ve learned to continually make choices that keep my relationship in forward motion, getting better with every passing day. Sure, we still have our rough moments, but we maintain a positive grade—not a negative one—all the time.

4. Saying “yes”is way more fun than saying “no.” Remember the Jim Carrey movie Yes Man where his character kept saying “yes” to whatever came his way? Sure, it caused some problems, but in the end, his life got way better. I’ve found that saying “yes” to sex with my husband on a regular basis has an expansive, opening effect on my own heart. Maybe the difference is that I live most days in positive alignment with what I want—an intimate, closely bonded relationship with my partner. We both continually rise above what threatens to pull us apart—and after 13 years of marriage, there were times when an upended toilet seat was enough to unravel a perfectly fine morning. That doesn’t happen anymore.

5. Anticipation is key. Ladies, anticipation is where it’s at—for you and him. This is something I realized after getting busy with the beads and, honestly, I’m not sure I would have come to this realization without them. With The Forty Beads Method, you’ve got your bead catcher (a little bowl by your bed) and he comes along and drops a bead into it, which triggers the anticipation process since it signals sex is on the horizon. As a result, you both start thinking about each other—and about coming together intimately—instead of focusing on the minutiae of the day. That anticipation is what gets you in the mood. And when you’re in the mood, well, things tend to play out a whole lot better in bed, don’t they?

6. More Sex = Better Sex. You always hear this, and I never wanted to think this could be true, but it absolutely is. Now, I don’t go into any specific between-the-sheets maneuvers in Forty Beads, but let’s just say that since I started having sex with my husband more often, my sexual experiences have never been better. Really. I think it’s kind of like committing to strength training versus being a total couch potato. When you use your muscles, they get stronger and work better. But if you don’t, they become weak and don’t respond very well. I’ll let you connect the dots.

7. Having sex can take less time than unloading the dishwasher. It’s true. I’ve timed it. I can’t tell you how often I used the excuse: “But we don’t have time!” Guess what? There’s time. And here’s what I’ve discovered: Taking the time to have sex with your husband on a regular basis (even if it’s just a quickie) will benefit your relationship more than almost anything else you could do instead—especially unloading the dishwasher.

8. Having sex on a regular basis can change how you feel about sex. In Forty Beads, I talk about the “Beadefits”—all those tangible and intangible benefits you receive from using The Forty Beads Method. A definite Beadefit for me is that I enjoy sex now—I have a consistent desire for it, I look forward to it and I don’t avoid it. After spending years dodging the deed, when I finally wrapped my head around the fact that my healthy sex life was making a difference in my marriage, my attitude toward sex changed completely.

9. Sex gets your creative juices flowing. Sex is the ultimate creative act. Again, not something I realized until after establishing my healthy sex habit, but as a woman, connecting to your sexuality—really embodying it—is key to living a fully engaged, creative life. It’s about connecting to your femininity. We all have this Aphrodite, Goddess of Love energy waiting inside of us. All we have to do is call it up. I spent years cutting myself off from my sexuality, but no more. Having sex with my husband reconnected me to my own sexuality and creativity. Want to create something great? Get busy.

10. Love is like a wheel. Maybe the most important thing I’ve learned from having sex with my husband is that sometimes we’re up and sometimes we’re down, but I know that as long as we keep things fluid (as in, have sex on a regular basis) when we find ourselves down, it won’t be long until we’re back up again. That’s because in a committed relationship, sex is a healer. In Forty Beads, I talk about a “beadefit” called the beading boomerang effect. When life gets to be too much—when you and your husband are at each other because the fridge went on the fritz, your three-year-old bit his buddy at school, or even the bigger stuff—if you lean toward intimacy, instead of away from it, you get back to the good life that much quicker. It may sound counterintuitive to fall into bed when you’re irritated, but you may just be surprised at how effective it is at pulling things back to center.

 
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Posted by on February 29, 2016 in Sex

 

The Next Success

The next night after the triple fail, my wife came up to me and asked, “Are you ready to try again?”  I was still recovering from the night before, so I replied, “Are you ready if it goes badly?”  That made her upset.  She started to leave and as she walked away she replied “You know what?  You are the biggest problem!”

I she walked away, I realized that it was not a very nice comment, and it was a sort of admission of failure.  Although it had gone badly the night before, she was ready to try again, so I should be also.  So I bolstered my courage, set my jaw for success, and when she walked by a couple of minutes later, I said, “Ok, well if you’re ready to try again, so am I!” A big smile came across her face.  She gave me a hug and said, “Good, I’ll see you at 8:00.”

So somewhere around that time, we made our way upstairs.  I still was not expecting much given the previous night and my wife’s time frame.  She had plans and needed to leave at 8:30, so I figured she would feel pressure to finish quickly, which would mean we would both be tense, which would set up a situation that wouldn’t end well.  But I figured, given the previous day, the mostly likely outcome is that we would be done in plenty of time.

Very soon after we got started, however, I could feel that the night was going to be a huge success.  I still do not know what is different on nights like those, but I immediately know that I have good control of my arousal and can easily increase or decrease it as necessary.  I was focusing more on relaxing the muscles in my belly rather than on the muscles in my pelvic floor, but I don’t think that can account for all of it.  I wish I had a better answer.  Either way, I was in control which allowed us to have one of the best experiences of our marriage.

The nice part about being in control is that I can do whatever my wife and I feel like we need.  We can go slow and easy, or fast and hard.  We can change the tempo to fit the mood and the stage.  Since I had so much control, I was able to do exactly what my wife wanted, and to change in response to her desires.  We were in tune with each other.  She was definitely enjoying it, and I don’t think I have ever heard her as vocal before.  It seemed to me that she was on a very slow but steady ramp towards her climax, which was building to a very high level.  We were working together and I was able to give her exactly what wanted when she needed it.  She eventually very naturally exploded into an orgasm, and I followed just enough afterwards to maximize her ecstasy.

Usually, when we finish, she gets up very quickly, cleans off, and then goes to do something else.  This night, she stayed there and pulled me close to her, giving me big kisses.  After a short while, she did get up to clean off.  I was still lying down on the bed and she came back, snuggled with me, and kissed me some more.  I can’t ever remembering happening before.  More than that, she was now late for her appointment, but still not rushing to get out.  What a great night!

In the next several days, we other reasonably successful experiences, although none quite like this.  It is nights like this that make all of the work worth it.

 
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Posted by on February 19, 2016 in Sex

 

Triple Fail

My wife and I just had the worst night of sex we have ever had, and I can’t imagine a worse one.

Fail #1

My wife and I had not had sex for about a week while she was on her period, so when she said she was done and was ready to have sex, we ran upstairs shortly after we put our kids to bed. It actually started out pretty well. We were both excited and we were doing a lot of kissing and touching and she wasn’t using her vibrator, so our bodies were pressed tightly together. Very shortly we were both ready to go and when she positioned the tip of my penis at her opening, I started to slide in slowly and easily. We enjoyed the slow merge together and we were slowly working all of the way in.  Just as I got all of the way in …
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK – “MOMMY, I FEEL SICK!!!”
One of our kids had awakened and was at the door. She jumped up to take care of the child, and after a few minutes they both came into the room, she said “__ is scared”, and they both climbed into bed.

Mood gone.

Fail #2

After we got the child taken care of we agreed to try again. This time we waited until they were all asleep. As we got into bed, however, my wife started yawning and seemed distracted. She gave me a quick kiss and then grabbed her vibrator. The mood was WAY not like it had been earlier, and I couldn’t get into it; I couldn’t get an erection. We tried to stumble through a couple of different things, but none of them was working and we ended up in a fight. We eventually resolved it, but the entire episode ended up as a loss.

Fail #3

We went to bed after another sexless night. Sometime in the middle of the night, one the children came into our room and woke my wife up. She took care of the problem, but couldn’t get back to sleep. She was still feeling aroused despite the earlier problems, so she cuddled close, started kissing me, and asked me I wanted to have sex. I never say no, so we started. Again, it was nothing like the first try earlier in the night, and I guess I wasn’t relaxed. I got all the way in but then had to pull out, but as soon as I got out I exploded. Intercourse was done. My wife was ready to go and she asked me to use my fingers, however, as soon as I started to put my fingers in, she started to orgasm. We couldn’t get the pressure or the tempo correct, and when it finished, she said, “That was weird. I think I prematurely orgasmed. See, it happens to women too.” And with that, we went back to sleep.

Of course, after three fails in one night, I couldn’t sleep. So I spent the rest of the night and the next day depressed.

 
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Posted by on February 6, 2016 in Sex

 

TV and sex at the same time?

In my post that described my most recent sex practice session with my wife, I described how we agreed to allow her to watch TV while we had sex.  That made a great deal of sense at the time, but after I published the post it started to occur to me how ridiculous that was, and how disturbing.

The relevant part of the experience that was missing from the post was that the sex that night was really on par for sex that we normally have.  Neither my wife, who was distracted by watching TV, nor I, who was having sex with a distracted and disengaged wife, really seemed to notice that she was watching TV and we were not engaged with each other.  Our sexual experience should have been worse since we were not engaged with each other.

This is probably a bigger problem than the PE itself.  Add this to the list of issues to be resolved.

 
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Posted by on February 1, 2016 in Sex

 

Practice Bonus

In my last post, I wrote about practicing my ejaculation control on my wife while she watched TV on her phone.  Overall, it was a successful night where I was able to prove that I was on the right track with my relaxation and my wife was able to endure the practice session and finish with an orgasm.

I don’t know how long it lasted – maybe 20 to 30 minutes. (I guess I could find out by asking her how many shows she watched!)  Don’t get too excited about the time.  It wasn’t really great sex from the normal sex perspective; however, it is a good measurement of how long I was focusing on relaxing my pelvic floor.  I don’t usually time my relaxation sessions, but my guess is they are probably never that long and probably not that focused on relaxation or that successful in actually relaxing.  This is one reason why practice is necessary for me:  there is just no way to simulate having sex.  I actually have to have sex.

Even though I ejaculated, my sex muscles were still relaxed and when I laid down I fell asleep immediately.  This may not sound strange since most guys have the reputation for rolling over and falling asleep right after ejaculating, but for me this was new.  I have had trouble sleeping since probably age 13 and sex rarely helps the situation.  What was more interesting was that I slept through the entire night, not waking up once.  I usually wake up several times, and on at least some of the times I awake, I have great trouble getting back to sleep.  So my night’s sleep was much different and much better than what I ordinarily get.

Of course, this stands out starkly against most of the rest of my nights, so it caught my attention.  As I thought about this, I realized that I had been feeling like I wanted to fall asleep more times throughout the day, and those times happened to correspond to the times I was relaxing my pelvic floor muscles.  Very interesting, but possibly just coincidence since I have not been sleeping well at night anyway.

I got the next clue the next morning when I woke up.  Again, I had slept through the night very well.   When I woke up, I felt my usual need to stretch my lower back and legs, which feels like my muscles have tightened up from eight (or so) hours of non-use.  This is how I have always explained it to myself.  As usual, the stretching doesn’t really get rid of the sensations, so I gritted my teeth as usual and decided to do my sex muscle exercises for the morning.  This time, however, as I started to do them and my pelvic floor relaxed, I felt the tension leave my hips and legs!  Really?  That tension could be tied to my pelvic floor?  I tensed and released my pelvic floor several more times.  Each time I tensed it, I felt the tension in my hips,  Each time I release, I felt the tension leave my hips.  I confirmed this again over the next couple of morning and verified that my tight pelvic floor muscles were a cause (or major aggravation) of my night-time hip and leg tension.

Amazing!  Why did it take me so long to find this out?  For a couple of years now I have been asking the question “If my pelvic floor muscles are so tense, why don’t I feel any negative effects in other parts of my physiology other than my sexual performance?”  Now I was beginning to see the answer.  Over the next couple of days I came up with the following list:

Problems Caused by Tight Pelvic Floor Muscles

  1. Premature ejaculation – clearly this is a symptom
  2. Urinary hesitancy – can’t get my pee out easily or smoothly
  3. Poor sleep – caused by excessive tension in my body that doesn’t allow me to relax; keeps “fight or flight” instinct going
  4. Stiffness in my hips and legs – a balancing reaction to counter the pull from the pelvic floor
  5. Stiffness in my lower back – same as stiffness in my hips
  6. Poor digestion – tension in my lower abdomen not allowing the organs and muscles to work naturally
  7. Anxiety – excessive tension causing “fight or flight” response
  8. Poor athletic performance – excessive muscle tension hurts endurance and relaxation

This is the list I came up with, and it is probably only partial.  I guess if I had written all of these down, I might have discovered a pattern, but since they happened for my entire life, or at least as long as I can remember, I thought that there is really nothing wrong.  I could only start to realize that something was wrong when I got a look from a differing perspective or when the problem had a negative impact on another person, as PE does.

So the good news is that I am seeing some improvement in some of these areas.  This does give me some incentive to continue with the relaxation exercises for these other benefits, and decreases my focus on sex. This is good.

 

 
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Posted by on January 26, 2016 in Sex

 

Practice Night

After rediscovering how tense I was and finding that I was able to relax all of my key sex muscles quite easily, I was eager to try it out again with my wife.  After our last couple of experiences, however, I wasn’t sure if she was going to be interested or cooperative.  Things hadn’t gone well, she was not getting what she wanted, and I was looking very self-centered and selfish.  I also knew that this was going to be a “working session” for me, where I focus more on what I am feeling than on her. Plus, she was having a hard week, so I knew I had to sweeten the deal.  Since she has been watching a lot of TV on her phone recently, I thought that I would suggest that she watch TV while I practiced on her.

I still was sure how it was going to go over, but I asked anyways.  “I think I’ve found some of the reason why I’ve had less control during sex in the last few months.  Would you be willing to allow me to practice tonight?” I asked.  Her reply: “I am very tired, so I am not going to be very into it.  Can I watch TV while you are doing me?”  Wow – she stole my idea; she beat me to it!  “Sure,” I said, “that works for me.”  “Really?  Ok, I’ll see you there at 8:30.”

So at 8:30 we headed upstairs.  When I got out of the bathroom she was already in position with her phone in her hand.  Even though she wasn’t paying much attention to me, she still looked good, so I got down to business.  I actually spent a bunch of time touching her body and stimulating myself, trying to develop the anticipation I always feel while keeping my sex muscles relaxed.  I was able to stay relaxed and after several minutes, I was able to enter her and start thrusting.

I think she was trying her hardest to ignore me, but even while watching TV, it must be pretty hard to focus when you have your husband thrusting his penis in you.  After a couple of minutes, she reached for her vibrator and applied it to her clitoris.  Every several minutes, when a commercial would come on, she would put down her phone and engage with me, then pick up the phone when the commercial was over.

We went on like this for several minutes.  I was successful with my relaxation in the sense that I was able to control my arousal and vary the depth and speed of my thrusts.  It was nothing like the control I had earlier in the year, but much better than the recent months.  My goal was to just practice for 10 minutes or so, then pull out; however, have you ever voluntarily pulled out?  No, me either, so I just kept going to see how long I could last.

Towards the end, my wife started to get more into it and was paying more attention to me than the phone.  I started to focus on her too much and lost control of myself, falling over into ejaculation.  This eventually caused her to have an orgasm also, the first one in several weeks.

So in the end the practice was successful.  I was able to stay relaxed and prove that my problem had been unchecked tension.  I was able to practice on her and boost my confidence.  She was able to give as much of herself as she was willing, but then also experienced sexual release and satisfaction.  This night turned my attitude around and gave me hope for more success in the future.

 
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Posted by on January 22, 2016 in Sex

 
 
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