Wife On Top

This year, with my renewed focus on relaxing, I have made positive progress in overcoming my premature ejaculation.  Somewhere in a previous post (I can’t find it now), I talked about the inconsistency in my sexual performance.  Some days or weeks I am doing really well and making amazing progress, then others I am almost back to where I was before I started working on it.  It is very frustrating, but when I am doing well, our sex is so much better.

Unfortunately, when you have PE, you don’t get to have too much sex in the woman-on-top position.  In that position, the woman has complete freedom of movement and as she gets excited, it is usually too much for her PE inhibited partner.  For this reason, my wife and I hadn’t tried that position in more than 10 years, since the very beginning of our marriage.  Fortunately for us, this was one of the minor losses.  We both like the man-on-top position enough that we didn’t miss it the other way around too much.

Because we are usually in the man-on-top position, we often joke that my wife “just lays there” during sex.  I tell her that she has nothing to do and that I do all of the work.  I actually use this to my advantage when she is tired and doesn’t feel like having sex.  I just tell her “You don’t have to do anything.  Just lay there.  Take a nap.”  Most of the time it works.

As my sexual performance has improved, the woman-on-top position is becoming an option again.  On night recently, we hadn’t had sex in a while, and my wife was feeling especially horny.  When we got into bed, she jumped on top of me and asked “Do you want me to ride you?”. “Sure”, I said, “but you have to go slow.  It’s been a while and my control still isn’t that good”.  She agreed to be gentle as she started to rub herself back and forth on me.

We were both ready to go quickly, and as soon as I was hard, she lowered herself onto me.  She slowly worked herself down until I was (almost) all of the way in.  She went slowly enough that I was able to keep control, and if I felt like I might get too close to coming, she slowed down and relaxed, which allowed me to regain control.  As a result, we were able to keep this going for quite a while.

I was in enough control that she could move back and forth enough to give herself the stimulation she needed.  She was grinding her boding into mine without riding my erection hard enough to put me over the edge.  I suppose that’s the way it’s supposed to work:  she puts the necessary pressure on her clitoris that she needs to get aroused without moving up and down on my penis so much that I come too soon.  Very hot.  At one point I tried to put my hand between us to touch her lips and stimulate her clitoris more, but I couldn’t get it down there.  She had our bodies pressed together rightly up to our belly buttons!

We both enjoyed that for a while.  She moved around and tried different motions and positions and I enjoyed feeling her move, running my hands over her back and butt, and watching her breasts bounce.  We were having a great time.  It definitely made me miss all of the years where we didn’t do woman-on-top.

Whatever we were doing was exactly what she needed.  I knew she was getting more and more turned on, but she was acting very casual.  Suddenly, she got quiet and sat straight up.  She pushed herself onto me fully, and became rigid for a couple of seconds.  Then she started to moan and grind her body frantically into mine.  She continued to ride, gyrate and moan, controlling the pace of her orgasm and fully enjoying it.  I still can’t resist, of course, so when she pushed down on me, I knew what was happening. I could feel myself get fully hard and then I started to come.  I held my hips steady and let bring us both home.  It was exciting to see her moving and writhing in her pleasure.

After about 30 seconds, she was done.  She collapsed onto the bed next to me. “That was hot!”, she said.  “Yes it was!”, I replied.  Then she exclaimed, “That was so much work! I am so tired. Is that how much work you have to do every time?”  “Yes”, I said, “that is why I keep telling you that I do all of the work.”  “You can have it,” she said.  I replied, “well now that we know you can do it, I’ll expect more.”  She just rolled her eyes.

We’ll see.  Either way, it was a fun way to celebrate the progress I have made, even if it doesn’t happen every night.


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Posted by on October 15, 2015 in Sex


My Current Relaxation Approach

The final part of my program this spring is my relaxation approach, the actual ‘relax and breathe‘.  This is the new part that I have added to my program and it is what has made much of the difference.

First, to be clear, when I am talking about relaxation, it is not just body relaxation.  It is internal, sex muscle relaxation.  I have learned that I can relax my body while keeping my sex muscles tight, and I can now relax my sex muscles and keep parts of my body tight.  Relaxing my body will help to relax my sex muscles, but body relaxation is NOT ENOUGH.  The focus must be primarily on my sex muscles.

I started out relaxing in the Savasana yoga pose.  That sounds fancy, doesn’t it?  Translated it means “Corpse pose”, otherwise known as lying on your back.  Many of the writers I read suggested seated or even standing, but I found that I needed to relax everything, so that lying down was the only real option for me. I focused on relaxing all of the muscles that I used in my sex muscle exercises and workouts.  For me it feels like my internal organs, my penis, and my pelvis are sinking down.  I focused on breathing naturally and feeling the pressure of my breath push on my pelvic floor muscles.  I was able to find and release tension that I hadn’t noticed before.

As I focused my relaxation on my sex muscles, within a couple of weeks I found that I could relax them quite easily and completely.  The problem was that I couldn’t keep them that way.  During the last couple months of last year, I saw an acupuncturist hoping that he could help me with my premature ejaculation.  During the treatments, I felt like I was more relaxed and that I could keep the relaxation until I got in the car, but by the time I got out again, the tension had returned.  I experienced this same thing again.  I quickly became clear that a big part of my PE problem is that as I move ANY part of my body, I tense my pelvic floor.  As a result, as soon as I stopped relaxing, I would undo all of the work I had just done.  I realized that I needed to teach myself how to live without tensing my pelvic floor.

So I started with trying to relax my pelvic floor every time I stood up or sat down.  At first it was difficult to do, because my pelvic floor seems to get “locked” in place so easily.  I also frequently forgot to relax it.  After several weeks, however, it became easier and I was able to relax immediately after standing or sitting.  The next step was keeping it relaxed while I am walking, which is the heart of the difficulty for me.  I started with having to stop walking, relax, and then continue walking.  Again, after a couple of weeks, I was able to do that quickly.  After that, I moved on to relaxing it while I am walking.  This is still much harder for me.  Most of the time I only get it relaxed by doing a quick squeeze or two and waiting for the muscles to release.

Relaxation has become an increasingly important part of my program.  I know it is good for me and I am getting results, but it is so boring and non-proactive.  I would really like to be doing something more active, but that is apparently not the path to success.  So since it is necessary I will stick with it.  I certainly like the results I get when it is working correctly!


Posted by on October 11, 2015 in Sex


My Current Practice Workouts

In my previous post I described the exercises that I have been doing to help me relax my sex (pelvic floor) muscles.  Although these have been effective, for fully treating my premature ejaculation, they are not enough.  For me, successful sex seems to require that I relax muscles that I don’t need for any other activity, including any other bodily function.  So, in order to ensure that I am relaxing the muscles I need to during sex, I need to practice sex.

Unfortunately, my wife is not (yet?) up for sex twice a day, so I have to do it myself.  These workouts entail stimulating my penis while relaxing my sex muscles as much as possible to avoid ejaculation.  This is not what is usually called “edging”, where you try to get as close to ejaculation as possible without cresting over into it.  It is stimulating yourself as much as possible while learning to stay as far from ejaculation as possible.  I have written about these in the past and described various levels of success with them; however, with my focus on relaxation and breathing, I have seen increasing success with these workouts.

Back in January, when I tried some of the exercises from the new books that I had purchased, I was unable to consistently last ten minutes without having to stop or just exploding.  It has now been several months since I have ejaculated during these workouts.  I usually do 20 minute sessions, and I am able to keep myself completely in control the entire time.  Often I am able to relax myself enough that I lose my erection sometime after the 10 minute mark.  So I have made significant progress.

This sort of workout is recommended by most of the authors who give suggestions for overcoming premature ejaculation, and they usually suggest that you use some sort of lubrication to simulate sex as closely as possible.  I have tried this also but not really had much success with it.  First of all, it is a big mess to clean up by itself, and adds to the mess if you ejaculate.  Second, sometimes it provides too much lubrication, or the wrong texture, or some very artificial sensation that has caused me to lose my erection rather than make it feel more sensual.  So I have avoiding using lubricant.

The important aspect is to make it feel as much like sex as possible.  I have found that for myself, I can get an effective workout with a dry hand using the correct grip.  As I have done these exercises, I have realized that there are several sensations that my penis is extremely sensitive to:

  1. Pressure on the head of my penis (top and bottom)
  2. Stimulation on the back of my penis just below the head
  3. Movement across frenulum (on the bottom, below the head)
  4. Feeling pressure along the length of my penis

As I look back at the list, it looks pretty absurd – I sure most men would say those are true of them also!  Either way, those are triggers for me that cause me to tighten my pelvic floor muscles during sex.  Along the way, I found that I could create all of those sensations and stimulate those areas with my dry hand using grip similar to showing the number “four” with my fingers.  I place my thumb on the back, on the ridge between my head and my shaft.  My first and second finger go on my frenulum, sometimes providing a tight grip, and sometimes sliding lightly over it.  My ring and pinky fingers reach down towards the base of my penis as far as they can (I wish I could say they only get half way down, but unfortunately they reach most of the way.)  This this hand position, I get sensations that are as close to a vagina that I can get with my hands, and so it is very effective for learning to relax during sex.

The whole purpose of these workouts are to help me to relax and to recognize the muscles that get tight during sex.  Despite all of the mystical sounding descriptions by Taoist masters, I have found that it all comes down to relaxation.  If the muscle tingles during sex, it needs to be relaxed.  As I relax, the tingling sensation goes away, or moves to the back. During these exercises, my goal is to move the sensation as far back as possible – to my pelvis or lower spine.  The farther the better.

So these workouts have been essential for me to learn relaxation.  Without them, I wouldn’t be able to identify the muscles that need relaxation.  Unfortunately, during sex there is too much going on for me to notice or learn anything.  I certainly don’t enjoy doing them very much, but I realize that they are necessary for me right now.  My goal is to improve sex with my wife, and in order to get there, there is some work that I need to do by myself.

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Posted by on August 16, 2015 in Sex


My Current Sex Muscle Exercises

Over the last several months I have been focusing my efforts on relaxing and breathing in an effort to overcome my premature ejaculation.  Along with this approach, I have continued the sex muscle exercises that the physical therapist prescribed for me.  Over the last year and a half, I have blogged at least a couple of times about the exercises and how I have modified them to help me get better results.  I described the original exercises in this post.  The exercises are usually referred to as “Kegel exercises”.

In our culture, the word “exercise” is usually associated with work, effort, and gaining muscle tone and strength.  While this may be true for sex muscle exercises for some men and many women, that is definitely NOT the goal for men like me with PE caused by excessive sex muscle tension.  The purpose of the exercises is to learn to control the muscles, learn to consciously relax them, and to help them relax automatically.  I have tried many other positions, times, durations, and repetitions, but the approach I am now using helps me to achieve these goals most effectively.

I am still following the principles that the physical therapist gave me then she prescribed the exercises.  I do ten repetitions of the exercises twice a day.  I hold a contraction for a count of five and then relax for as long as I need in order to feel the muscle relax.  This is usually a count of four, but may be as much as a count of ten.  During my physical therapy sessions, we found that I could relax my pelvic floor most easily by lying on my back with my feet flat (on whatever I am lying on) and my knees bent at 90 degrees.  This makes sense since it is generally a very relaxing position.  Since it requires lying down, I find it most convenient to do them at night before I go to sleep and in the morning before I get up.  This has the added benefit of helping me relax for the night and to start the day relaxed.  So far this is pretty much what the physical therapist suggested.

The biggest change is what muscles I contract.  I started out the year back at the basics, contracting the muscle that had the biggest effect on my ability to relax my pelvic floor during the physical therapy sessions.  I don’t know what it’s called, but when I contract it, it feels like I am pulling up on a muscle right in front of my anus.  At the time, I could isolate it pretty well, but I was aware that there were other muscles in the area that would get in on the action occasionally.  As I continued to do the exercises, I noticed that I could isolate some of those muscles better, and so to help the overall relaxation of my pelvic floor, I started to add them into the exercises.  At this point, I have identified five separate muscles (or groups of muscles) that are part of my exercises.  Here they are in the order I contract them:

  1. In my lower back and my sacrum, above my anus.  I feels like I am squeezing my lower spine and trying to fold my sacrum backwards.
  2. The muscle right in front of my anus.  It feels like it runs sided-to-side and I am pulling it up and back, into my sacrum.  This is the one I have been working on the longest and it definitely holds the most tension.  I have to wait the longest for this one to relax.
  3. The muscle under the area between my anus (in front of the previous muscle) and my testicles.  When I contract it, it feels like I am pulling two sides of my perineum together and then up into my body.  The interesting thing about this muscle is that when I relax it, I feel the one behind it (in front of my anus) relax even more.  They seem to be quite interrelated, more than the others.
  4. The muscle above my testicles.  When I contract it, it feels like I am pulling my testicles together then lifting them towards my body.  This was at first very difficult to isolate from the other contractions, but has gotten much easier with practice.  It is also key to my relaxation, which I’ll talk about in my next post.
  5. The muscle at the base of my penis and behind my pubic bone.  It feels like I am pulling my penis into my body, or trying to curl my penis up.

So for each repletion, I do five different contractions, starting at the back and moving to the front.  With 10 repetitions, you get a total of 50 contractions.  If you do the math, you will find that it should take about 10 minutes to do these.  In reality, it takes me longer, I think because I probably count too slowly, then I get distracted or fall asleep when I am supposed to be relaxing.

Even if I don’t do them perfectly, they have really helped me to relax my pelvic floor.  This is the first step that usually leads me to my practice workout, which I will described in my next post.

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Posted by on August 10, 2015 in Sex


Encouraging Note

My last post described my irritation with having to “do nothing” – relax and breathe – to make any more progress with my premature ejaculation.  I had been working on this for a couple of months earlier this spring, and things were not really going as well as I wanted them do.  The low point came when my wife and I got into a fight during sex.

We were in bed having sex, but my wife was not that interested.  Unfortunately, I didn’t have the control I wanted or she needed, so I ended up coming very soon.  After that, we tried using my fingers to stimulate her so that she could reach a climax also; however, she was not in the best mood, so things were not going well.  She was getting close but couldn’t have an orgasm.  At some point, she got irritated, pushed my hands away, and accused me of not following her instructions and only having sex to please myself.  After a while of listening to this, I got irritated and accused her of being unresponsive and controlling.  So then a fight ensued.  She eventually stormed out of the room, and I laid down and tried to go to sleep.

Of course, I couldn’t sleep and my mind rehearsed what had gone on.  Lots of things were happening between us, but I couldn’t get away from the fact that if I actually had control, this could have been much better.  If I was able to do exactly what she had asked me to do, she still might not have had an orgasm, but at least she would know I was trying.  At least if I can give her the sex she enjoys, it gives her the best chance of fully enjoying the experience.

But I was still not able to do that.  I realized that although I had made some progress, I was a long way from “normal” and we were still unable to have sex the way most couple do.  Many times I was able to stay to keep myself from ejaculating for as long as I wanted to, but without really moving, and certainly not enough to please my wife.  So from that perspective, I really hadn’t made any progress at all.  Nothing had really changed and I didn’t see any end in sight.  Although my wife and I talked through the conflict and made up, the feeling of failure stayed.  It made me feel really depressed, and once again, I was ready to give up.

Then the next day, I received an encouraging message from a frequent commenter:

Praying for you! Hoping God will heal both you and I! Maybe we should be like the persistent widow! (Luke 18:1-8). I know God has so far said no, but I might just keep “bugging” him. I know God has given us His Son, so why wouldn’t he give us all things? Not trying to use this in a “prosperity gospel” sense either. Marriage is a blessing by God and sex in marriage is supposed to reflect our intimacy with God. When you have PE you miss out on that effect in one sense. Let’s keep praying!

That was just what I needed to receive when I needed to receive it!  God is good like that.  It was a timely reminder that I need to push though.  If I really believe that marriage is supposed to reflect Christ and the Church, and if I really believe that he wants the best for our marriage, then there is no reason for me to give up until the marriage ends.  God is going to do something, and he is doing it, no matter how long it takes.  I need to stick with the plan that I know he has given to me.

Frequent Commenter:  Thank you for the note!

So then I felt encouraged and got back in the game.  I had only one course of action – relax and breathe – but I kept up with it, believing that this was the correct course.  And if it wasn’t, I would find another.  I would not give up until I was successful.

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Posted by on August 9, 2015 in Sex


Where have I been?

Its been almost six months since my last post.  I’ve been busy, but truthfully, I have felt discouraged and I didn’t feel like I was making much progress with my premature ejaculation or that anything was really changing.  I didn’t feel like writing “Ok, nothing new”, so I just decided not to write.  It’s not that I was doing nothing, but that what was happening wasn’t that interesting and whatever was going on (or not) certainly didn’t warrant intermediate updates.

In my previous post, I talked about how my wife had suggested that I find some new books on premature ejaculation.  Since the books I had were not helping as much as I needed, I took her advice and strolled through  I searched for “premature ejaculation” and eventually I settled on three new books:

  1. Stop Premature Ejaculation and Learn to Control Male Orgasm by Dan Junot
  2. Lasting Longer:The Treatment Program for Premature Ejaculation by Dr. Sy Silverberg M.D.
  3. How to Make Love All Night (And Drive a Woman Wild) by Barbara Keesling

I wanted to write a review on each of them, so I dove into the first one by Dan Junot as soon as it arrived.  I burned through it to get to the exercises.  His approach is to have you masturbate with your entire hand wrapped around your erection and to slide you hand all the way down to the base then all of the way up off the tip, so you get the full stimulation sensation like you would during sex.  I have never masturbated like that since it would be far too arousing to control; however, since it is part of the program and Dan Junot promised success, I knew I had to do it.  Well, apparently I have sensitive penis skin also, because the pain was EXCRUCIATING!  It felt like I was masturbating with course sandpaper, or a handful of sand from the beach.  Or maybe broken glass.  I felt like I was peeling layers of skin off of my penis like you might shave the skin off of a carrot.  After one of the early sessions I looked down fully expecting to see my penis raw and bleeding.  It took all of my strength to keep going with the exercises.

At some point, it got a little bit better, and I was able to focus on other things that were happening.  I couldn’t consistently last for the required 15 minutes without losing control, and I eventually realized that the problem was that my sex muscles were jumping around and contracting the entire time.  With enough contractions, I lose control.

Since I had succeeded in partially numbing the skin of my penis, I decided that the problem was that I have over active nerves.  That explanation would fit most of the premature ejaculation symptoms that I have.  So I headed to the web and searched for “over active nervous system”.  The first set of search results was full of pages on over active nervous systems, and they all agreed on the solution.  What is the solution?  Sit, relax, and breathe for 30 to 60 minutes per day – the exact same advice I continue to come across for treating premature ejaculation.

I was furious.  Livid.  I almost put my fist through the computer screen.  (I am getting pissed off just thinking about this now.)  How is it possible that I have to spend an hour of my day just stilling still – doing nothing – just to make my penis work?  I can GUARANTEE you that there is no cheese-eating, screwing anything that moves, 25-year-old porn star that is spending 1 hour a day just sitting still so he can perform on camera.  I pretty sure no guy my wife ever dated sat around doing nothing for an hour a day just to be normal.  I am pretty sure no one I know is sitting around doing nothing for an hour a day.  Just to have a normal penis.

So that was it.  Relax and breathe.  It took me several days to get over the anger and decide to try it.  Relax and breathe. There was nothing to write about.  Relax and breathe.  Who wants to read that I spent another 30 minutes breathing? Relax and breathe.  So I didn’t write anything.

Relax and breathe.

That’s all that was going on until I received an encouraging note…



Posted by on May 18, 2015 in Sex


Another Perspective

I wish I had a graph of my success with controlling my ejaculation during sex.  It would look a little like waves on the ocean, with very tall peaks and very wide troughs.  My performance is maddeningly inconsistent.  I will go for several days or maybe even a couple of weeks where I think I have control, but then I go through a much longer period, several weeks to months, where I have no control again.  I have never been able to figure out why that happens or what the cause is.  Basically, I am still mostly out of control.

I am currently in one of those troughs again.  I can’t really remember the last time I felt like I had control and I feel like I just don’t get it – I am still missing something.  So whenever, that happens, I turn to the one book that I own that presents the closest thing to step by step instructions:  The Multi-Orgasmic Man by Mantak Chia.  I read it hoping that I can find that one piece of information that will be my key to control.

However, something about that book irritates my wife.  I think she thinks that I am trying to sprint before I can crawl, so she doesn’t like to see me read it.  So the last time I was reading it, she stopped and confronted me.  At some point, she asked “So is that book helping?”  “I don’t know,” I answered.  “I keep reading it but I haven’t figured it out yet.”  She replied, “So why are you still reading it?  Move on to something else.”

That seemed like good advice – find something else that might be more helpful.  So the next night, I did some more searching on the web.  I looked at several pages, but I ended up on the website by Newman Lin, infamous for his “anal breathing” technique.  If you have sexual problems and have done any searching, I am sure you have come across it.  He gets some strong criticism for the disorganization of his website, the confusing way he presents the information, and his use of the term “anal breathing”.  I read through it, however, because when I have done my breathing exercises, it sometimes feels like I am breathing through my anus.  So rather than throw out the information because of a poor translation, I decided to dig deeper.

His description of the anal breathing technique was brief, but was accompanied by a diagram.  As I looked at the diagram and read the description, I realized that he is talking about the exact same technique that Mantak Chia calls the Microcosmic Orbit.  To confirm it, I found an explanation of the technique with a Chinese subtitle.  I put the subtitle through a translator and got “chi gong exercise for opening the governor channel.”  The two techniques are the same.

The most interesting part was his description of the muscles involved.  He suggests that you don’t want to squeeze the muscle that makes your penis jump (usually referred to as the “PC muscle”, but who knows what it really is).  Instead, you want to relax and even actually push out on it.  The muscle you want to contract is between your anus and your tail bone. This is the muscles that moves the energy up your spine.

This actually aligns with most other descriptions, if you consider that a big, inhaling breath pushes out on your “PC muscle”.  This also aligns with my suspicion that many of these guys might be confused about the names of the muscles and what they actually doing to control their ejaculation.  Lin’s description was more specific and harmonized with the other techniques, so he may be describing the technique more accurately.

Given this information, I decided to try it.  With all of my pelvic floor work, I am able to control my muscles independently pretty well, so with a little bit of effort, I was able to perform the technique.  I felt a strong pull up the back of my spine.  When I first tried it, I thought “That feels familiar.”  So I tried it again, with one hand on my penis and the other on my sacrum to make sure I was only using those muscles.  It felt the same.  As I tried it repeatedly, I could feel my muscles in back squeezing energy out of my prostate and up my back.   But strangely, it felt like the same motion where I have described it previously as squeezing the muscles in front.  So I may be confused, but the technique feels that same and I know it has worked for me in the past.  As a result, I will work on practising this during sex again.

So my wife as right – I needed to try some different sources of information.  As long as I still have something new to try, I still have hope of finding the key to overcoming premature ejaculation.


Posted by on December 7, 2014 in Sex


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