Another Perspective

I wish I had a graph of my success with controlling my ejaculation during sex.  It would look a little like waves on the ocean, with very tall peaks and very wide troughs.  My performance is maddeningly inconsistent.  I will go for several days or maybe even a couple of weeks where I think I have control, but then I go through a much longer period, several weeks to months, where I have no control again.  I have never been able to figure out why that happens or what the cause is.  Basically, I am still mostly out of control.

I am currently in one of those troughs again.  I can’t really remember the last time I felt like I had control and I feel like I just don’t get it – I am still missing something.  So whenever, that happens, I turn to the one book that I own that presents the closest thing to step by step instructions:  The Multi-Orgasmic Man by Mantak Chia.  I read it hoping that I can find that one piece of information that will be my key to control.

However, something about that book irritates my wife.  I think she thinks that I am trying to sprint before I can crawl, so she doesn’t like to see me read it.  So the last time I was reading it, she stopped and confronted me.  At some point, she asked “So is that book helping?”  “I don’t know,” I answered.  “I keep reading it but I haven’t figured it out yet.”  She replied, “So why are you still reading it?  Move on to something else.”

That seemed like good advice – find something else that might be more helpful.  So the next night, I did some more searching on the web.  I looked at several pages, but I ended up on the website by Newman Lin, infamous for his “anal breathing” technique.  If you have sexual problems and have done any searching, I am sure you have come across it.  He gets some strong criticism for the disorganization of his website, the confusing way he presents the information, and his use of the term “anal breathing”.  I read through it, however, because when I have done my breathing exercises, it sometimes feels like I am breathing through my anus.  So rather than throw out the information because of a poor translation, I decided to dig deeper.

His description of the anal breathing technique was brief, but was accompanied by a diagram.  As I looked at the diagram and read the description, I realized that he is talking about the exact same technique that Mantak Chia calls the Microcosmic Orbit.  To confirm it, I found an explanation of the technique with a Chinese subtitle.  I put the subtitle through a translator and got “chi gong exercise for opening the governor channel.”  The two techniques are the same.

The most interesting part was his description of the muscles involved.  He suggests that you don’t want to squeeze the muscle that makes your penis jump (usually referred to as the “PC muscle”, but who knows what it really is).  Instead, you want to relax and even actually push out on it.  The muscle you want to contract is between your anus and your tail bone. This is the muscles that moves the energy up your spine.

This actually aligns with most other descriptions, if you consider that a big, inhaling breath pushes out on your “PC muscle”.  This also aligns with my suspicion that many of these guys might be confused about the names of the muscles and what they actually doing to control their ejaculation.  Lin’s description was more specific and harmonized with the other techniques, so he may be describing the technique more accurately.

Given this information, I decided to try it.  With all of my pelvic floor work, I am able to control my muscles independently pretty well, so with a little bit of effort, I was able to perform the technique.  I felt a strong pull up the back of my spine.  When I first tried it, I thought “That feels familiar.”  So I tried it again, with one hand on my penis and the other on my sacrum to make sure I was only using those muscles.  It felt the same.  As I tried it repeatedly, I could feel my muscles in back squeezing energy out of my prostate and up my back.   But strangely, it felt like the same motion where I have described it previously as squeezing the muscles in front.  So I may be confused, but the technique feels that same and I know it has worked for me in the past.  As a result, I will work on practising this during sex again.

So my wife as right – I needed to try some different sources of information.  As long as I still have something new to try, I still have hope of finding the key to overcoming premature ejaculation.

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Posted by on December 7, 2014 in Sex


Last Acupuncture Visit

I had my last acupuncture visit this week. On the positive side, although I had been going for several weeks longer than I originally expected, I did feel like the treatments helped me to relax.  Initially, I noticed a big reduction in my muscle tension after the treatment, but that the muscles slowly tensed up over the next day or so.  Towards the end, I felt like the relaxation stayed with me for longer, and I didn’t notice much difference in my muscle tension after the treatment.  At the same time, the evaluation of the acupuncturist became similar every week, so that I didn’t feel like he was seeing much of a change either.

On the negative side, I didn’t see the improvement in my sexual performance that I had hoped to see.  I was hoping that as I relaxed more, or at least felt more relaxed, that I would be able to control ejaculation more easily.  Unfortunately, that I not what happened.  In a lot of ways, it seems like my progress went backwards.  So from a sexual perspective, I didn’t really see the benefit of continuing to go.

So I think I got everything out of the acupuncture that I could.  It was a good experiment, but it didn’t help my premature ejaculation as much as I had hoped.  Now that physical therapy and acupuncture are done, I am going to have to move on to the next treatment option.

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Posted by on December 7, 2014 in Sex


Stopped Suppositories

I stopped using the pelvic floor muscle relaxer suppositories. They seemed to working, or at least something something was happening when I used them, for the first several times I tried them.  As I continued to use them, they seemed less effective and the side effects were getting worse.  One of the common side effects is diarrhea, which I started to get every time I used a suppository.  It got to the point that the diarrhea would start almost immediately and I couldn’t relax my pelvic floor muscles without feeling like stuff would fly out of my butt.  As a result, I decided to stop using them.

Although they seemed to be working at the beginning, in hindsight, I don’t think that they added anything to my treatment.  The medicine worked on the rectal muscles, but it didn’t get far enough to really have an effect on my pelvic floor muscles.  So I am glad that I had a chance to try it out, but I don’t think it is essential to, or even helpful for, overcoming premature ejaculation. I won’t have to revisit this one, which is great, because I am getting tired of sticking things in my butt.

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Posted by on November 27, 2014 in Sex


Last Physical Therapy Visit

I had my last pelvic floor physical therapy visit last week.  It was a big milestone, a sign of real progress.

As I’ve written in recent posts (like here and here), I’ve made some good progress with my premature ejaculation.  I do have more control and I am more aware of the tension in my pelvic floor. This often results in better sexual performance.  This is also reflected in my performance at my physical therapy appointments.  Based on those results, the physical therapist had reduced the frequency of my visits.  I had been going every four to six weeks, and I had maintained my progress – my awareness of my pelvic floor and my ability to control the muscles.

At what turned out to be my last appointment, I talked this over with the therapist.  I also told her that I was experiencing more success during sex.  She said that based on that information, her job was done.  She said it was her job to give me more awareness of and control over my pelvic floor, and since I had that, she had achieved her goal.  Based on the progress I had made, I agreed with her assessment.  I think I got as much our of it as I could.  Before I left, she did say that I should get in contact with her again if I felt like I had gotten to a point where I couldn’t control my pelvic floor again.

So that phase of my treatment is now over.  I have as much awareness as she can teach me.  I appreciate the effort that the physical therapist made and I am grateful for the help that I received from her.

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Posted by on November 24, 2014 in Sex


A Sense Of Freedom

In my last post, I talked about the progress I have seen as a result of better relaxation.  I am now reasonable convinced that learning to fully and completely relax my sex muscles during sex is my key to overcoming premature ejaculation.

Realizing that relaxing is the key to better sex had a completely unexpected side effect:  I started to feel a sense of freedom.  Years ago, I tried a couple of techniques to address my PE that didn’t work for me at all.  After that, the only other suggestion that I had left was “you need more practice.”  At first that sounded like fun.  Who doesn’t want to have more sex?  But after a while, it becomes tiring and enslaving.

If I need to have more sex to get better at sex, then I need my wife to have sex with me whenever I want to practice.  If she doesn’t want to have sex, then that means that I have missed one more opportunity to improve.  So not only is she withholding sex from me, but she is also keeping me from my goal.  But if I can improve without her, we are both free.  I can improve without her help and we are free to have sex for the fun of it, not to improve my PE.  If I don’t need her to improve our sex life, I have one less thing to get angry about when she doesn’t want to have sex.

So I am feeling more free now, and consequently, I feel more in control.  I takes the pressure off of both of us and we can make our relationship the focus of sex rather than PE.  It’s great.



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Posted by on November 8, 2014 in Sex


More Progress

I am seeing more success in my efforts to remain relaxed throughout the day.  This is tedious for me to write, so I know this must be tedious to read.  It seems like this all I have been saying for most of this year:  “More relaxation!  More relaxation!”  This is why I have felt like I really have had much to say, but despite the repetition, I think it is the truth.  It is an indicator of how much tension was and still is in my sex muscles and how difficult it has been for me to learn how to relax them and to retrain myself to keep them relaxed.

The good part is that now, when I have a failure and I ejaculate too quickly, I recognize immediately that it is because I was tense and that I didn’t get myself relaxed fully.  This is a step forward, because even this summer I was having a difficult time identifying why I didn’t have the control I wanted.  Recently, I have really been able to feel the excess tension, both during sex and afterwards, in those times when things haven’t gone the way I wanted them to.  Likewise, when things are going well, I can feel that I am relaxed, and my effort goes into focusing on the muscles to keep them relaxed.

It is really hard to say what has helped me get more relaxed.  I have had a growing awareness of my perineum and the state of tension or relaxation there.  As a result I am better able to recognize when I am tense and relax.  I can focus on this now with relative ease, so I can keep myself relaxed (or at least make myself relax) while I am at work, walking around, or even working out.  I think this ability is the culmination of a year of hard work and it is starting to become more natural for me.

Because I am more aware, I am beginning to know what activities will make me tense, and I can make an effort to relax afterwards.  For example, when I am working out, most of the time I am able to relax during my workout, but not all of the time.  On these days, the tension seems to grow in proportion to the effort I am putting into the exercises.  To combat this, after every workout, I squat down (the most relaxing position) and do several reps of contracting and relaxing my pelvic floor muscles until they are fully relaxed.

I think the acupuncture adjustment has helped also.  I always feel really relaxed afterwards.  I have tried just lying down and relaxing without acupuncture, but I don’t feel the same afterwards.  I don’t understand it, but it does seem to be accelerating my relaxation.

As I mentioned above, keeping myself relaxed during sex is equivalent to having control.  When I am relaxed, I can thrust long and deep if I want to, and I have been able to respond positively to my wife’s request for changing speed and rhythm.  Although the results are still wildly inconsistent, there are some days where I feel like I am fully in control and we have a great time.  Even on worse days, I can usually last until my wife starts her orgasm, rather than finishing beforehand.

So, I am seeing slow but steady progress, all tied to relaxation.  I have been putting more effort into relaxing my pelvic floor because I am now fully convinced that it is the key to my success.  There is a direct correlation between my ability to relax and the quality of our sex life, so I will continue to pour my effort into feeling and relaxing my sex muscles.

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Posted by on November 2, 2014 in Sex


Five Reasons You Should Have Sex with Your Husband Every Night

I came across this blog post the other day called “Five Reasons You Should Have Sex with Your Husband Every Night“.  The author is a wife and mother, so I think it gives a healthy perspective.  She has a nice description of how she came to this point, so to see the entire post, follow the link above.  The following is her five point summary of why you (as a woman) deserve it:

And so, without further ado….

Five Reasons You Should Have Sex with Your Husband Every Night

  1. Being a mother, one of the ultimate expressions of womanhood, can often leave a girl feeling stripped of her femininity. There is something about being covered in spit up and attending to the every need of another human being that makes one feel distinctly gender neutral. Most of my days are spent playing with dolls, wiping baby food off of my clothes, changing diapers, wiping snot off of my clothes, going to the park, and wiping what-the-heavens-is-that off of my clothes. There is something restorative about kissing the boy you love. There are times in Riley’s arms when I remember who I am before I even realize I have forgotten. Yes, I am a cook, cleaner, teacher, and wiper of all things disgusting. But I am also something more, something delightful and completely apart from my roles. I am a woman! And there is potential and depth and heck, I am pretty darn good kisser, too. It is a lovely thing, finding yourself through the touch of someone else.
  2. If you want your husband to act like a man, you need to treat him like a man. (A few thoughts on what I think “Being a Man” means? It ain’t what you may think. Check it out here.) Hold the eye rolls. I am not pushing for a return to the 1950’s. (Although, heaven knows an era in which low rise jeans did not exist is basically alright by me.) Women need any number of criteria met to feel loved. Men are far simpler. They need to be fed, they need to be appreciated, and they need to have sex. That is it. Really. So make or order dinner once in a while. Say thank you for the long hours spent at work with a hug and smile when he walks through the door each night. (Better yet? Smile as you hand him the kids and walk out the door for a long, much needed break.) Are you the one working? Great! Say thank you for his time at home, at work or wherever else he is helping to build your life.  And my goodness, let the poor man see you naked. It is astounding what a good man will do for a good woman that has made him feel loved. After a few weeks of meals and make outs, you will sit back and wonder why you didn’t insist on having sex every night sooner. Talk about a small investment and big returns.
  3. You need to have a moment in each day that is just about the two of you. Remember that boy? The one that made your heart thump and hands sweat? The one that called when you hoped he would, that made you run hot and high up to the stars until you thought you would never come down? He is still there. Under the years and bills and worries, that smiling boy is still in love with and needs his smiling girl. Every night after the kids go to bed is a chance to find him again. A moment to remind yourself that you are living a picket fenced adventure and my goodness, there is nothing the two of you can’t do.
  4. Sex relieves stress. I don’t know that this one needs much explanation. As a mother I eat stress for breakfast. So it seems to me I have a choice. I can let off steam by A) driving around at night and bashing in strangers mailboxes or B) I can get down and dirty with that one guy I married that one time. I choose option B. (So far the mailboxes in my neighborhood have escaped unscathed, so Option B must be working.)
  5. It is so much blasted fun. Seriously. Why are we so quick to refuse the good things in life? We will slog through our children’s Algebra homework, do Zumba in public and pluck the hair from our body ONE PIECE AT A TIME. But tell a girl to have sex every night and she looks at you like you are crazy, An orgasm? Every night? What do I look like? A Nymphomaniacal Super Woman? Where is the logic in that?

    Are we really too busy doing dishes to participate in an activity that is so good it has inspired genius (that saucy Shakespeare) and changed history (Okay, Helen of Troy, we get it. You were super hot)? My goodness, what a crazy way to live. Ladies, did it ever occur to you (to us!) that we should have sex because WE DESERVE IT?

    Yeah, you deserve it.

    So, tonight put the kids to bed. Leave the dishes in the sink and the floors unswept. They will wait. Take a moment to remember that you are the girl you hoped you would be and then go find that boy and remind him that he is the man you knew he could be.

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Posted by on October 25, 2014 in Sex


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