Current State of Affairs

I just published a post that I had written back in February but hadn’t gotten around to actually posting it.  The delay in posting in part by life circumstances and in part by lack meaningful content that I think other people would find interesting.  It has been six months since that post, and I am still in the same process.  I’m not sure that most people want to read the same thing over and over, week after week.

Even though the description would be repetitive, the approach is still giving me successful results.  I still have to focus on relaxing every day and every time my wife and I have sex, and I am still seeing improvement in my performance.  A meaningful metric has always been how I perform the first time we haven’t had sex in a while, as is the case when my wife has been on her period.  In these situations, we are both really horny since we haven’t been together in a while, and I am not able to control my ejaculation for long enough for us to have a meaningful genital contact encounter and for her to reach orgasm that way.  In the last three months, however, this has been different and we have been able to fully enjoy coming back together after the break and have an amazing celebration of our re-union.

The key to this progress has been my continued focus on relaxing throughout the day and my conscious attention releasing all of the muscles in my pelvis.  I have been searching for a good analogy, but have not really found one I like.  It’s something like this:  my pelvic floor is like bridge being held up with several cables.  I need to lower the bridge by releasing the cables in order to relax my pelvic floor and control my ejaculation.  As I learn to relax, I am releasing only one cable at a time, so the bridge only gets a little lower.  Releasing just one isn’t enough and they all need to be released to see the progress.  So I am in the process of finding each one of those cables, releasing them as I find them, then searching for the next one.  Again, that is a bad analogy, but it describes the long and repetitive process I am going through.

However the process looks, I am now 100% convinced that tight muscles are my problem.  I have excellent results when I am relaxed during sex, and if don’t do so well, I can usually find some muscles that have remained tight the entire time (or got tight along the way.)  This is giving me the motivation and incentive I need to spend more time relaxing and to focus on it during the day.  This is my clear course of action, and I am going to stick with it and I will continue to make progress.

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Posted by on August 27, 2016 in Sex


Getting Closer

[Here is a post I wrote back in February, but never got around to posting]

I think I am getting closer to being in control of my premature ejaculation consistently.  After our amazing, successful night, I took yet another look at what I was doing to try to relax and control my ejaculation response.

One of the techniques suggested by the Taoist masters is what they call “opening the Microcosmic Orbit”, where you circulate your energy from your sex organs and up your spine.  They implied that it was a result of relaxation and claim this is how they control their ejaculation.  In my experimentation and trial, I have figured out how to do this, and I was practicing it regularly alone and while I have having sex with my wife.  I found that it felt energizing while I practiced it alone, but I could never make it work to control my ejaculation.  Instead of having better control, I always seemed to be more on the edge.  It just didn’t seem to be working.

On our successful sex night, I focused on relaxing the muscles on the inside of my belly.  That seemed to make all of the difference, so I decided to focus on the more during my relaxation times.  As I did that, however, I found that my sensation of energy circulating through my Microcosmic Orbit was greatly decreased.  As I attempted to increase it, I found I had to add tension to my sex muscles, particularly the one under my testicles (that one that feels like you are lifting your ball when you contract it).  At that point, I realized that I had to abandon the Microcosmic Orbit energy circulation and focus solely on relaxing my muscles.

Since then, I focus only on relaxing my muscles,  I try to make it feel like my balls and perineum are heavy and sagging down between my legs.  I don’t focus on the energy at all right now.  As I have worked on this, I have finally found it easy to do.  I am able to keep all of my sex muscles relaxed at the same time.  As I do this, I experience a feeling of lightness in my belly and hips.  I feel less on edge and more relaxed over my entire body.  I am able to breathe more deeply and often I am able to fall asleep more quickly at night.

I am also able to relax them more easily and quickly throughout the day.  My primary problem seems to be that somewhere along the line, my body decided that in order to move any muscle, the pelvic floor needed to be tensed also.  So every time I check, it seems to be tense and in need of relaxation.  I can now relax it quickly and completely as soon as I notice it.

I am also noticing more easily how quickly my sex muscles tense when my penis is being stimulated.  The sensation that causes the most tension quickly is the soft, silky feel of lubricated skin.  As a result, I have changed my solo practicing technique.  Rather than pulling on my penis using big strokes, I now roll the skin of my frenulum between my fingers.  This produces a sensation similar to slowly thrusting into my wife’s vagina and is an excellent sensation for learning to relax my sex muscles.

All of this successful relaxation is now resulting in more control during sex.  I have an increased awareness of my muscle tension and an enhanced ability to relax my muscles.  As I am aware of them and keep them relaxed, I can thrust freely.  As they tense, I get closer to ejaculation and I have to slow down.  I see a direct relationship between my ejaculation control and my relaxation of all of my sex muscles.  I am sure I know what to do now.  My next step is being able to relax the muscles completely and quickly while I am inside my wife.


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Posted by on August 27, 2016 in Sex


Counselor – Take One

I am not sure how well I have conveyed the communication problems and conflict my wife and I have had over my premature ejaculation (and general frustration with our sex life) over the last couple of months.  We have had several conversations that just have not gone well and ended up making things worse rather than better.  At some point, my wife said “We need to find someone to talk with about your PE.  We just can’t talk with each other about it any more.”  I was in agreement. I had wanted to find a therapist when I started this process more than four years ago.  We actually saw one a couple of times, but by my memory, she didn’t want to continue to go, so we stopped.  So I thought is was a good sign that she suggested going to see a therapist again.

So I started searching.  I very quickly remembered the frustration with my last search.  There is basically only one counselor / therapist in our area who specializes in couples sexual therapy, and she was the one we had already visited.  My wife was not interested in going back.

After some digging, I found another guy who said he worked with sexual problems.  I sent him an email asking some basic questions.  When I read his reply, he sounded confident and clear, so I forwarded the email to my wife.  She quickly wrote back, “Sounds good.  Let’s go to see him!”

So we booked an appointment for he next week.  I drove to the office anticipating a great meeting and thinking about all of the progress we were going to make.  I met my wife there, we filled out some forms, and then the counselor came out of his office.  I couldn’t have been more disappointed.  He was quiet, shifty, and not personable.  He talked like he couldn’t get a complete sentence out his mouth.  We went through with the entire session, but he came across like he couldn’t really even talk about sex openly.  He also made some suggestions that lead me to believe he didn’t know what he was talking about it.

We had made follow-up appointments before we left, but after we talked about it, I had to call him up and cancel.

So not so great a start.  Back to the search for another therapist.



Posted by on March 6, 2016 in Sex


Reprint – 10 Things I Learned by Having Sex with My Husband

Here is an article I found tonight called 10 Things I Learned by Having Sex with My Husband.  I thought it might be good encouragement for the wives who are reading this blog.  I copied it here in case it disappears.

10 Things I Learned by Having Sex with My Husband

I’m probably a lot like you: I work, have a family, and manage a household, so the pace of my days usually rivals the speed of light. And, as it often happens, sex got pushed to the bottom of my to-do list. Luckily, just as my 13-year marriage was poised for a nosedive, I came up with an idea that resurrected my sex life and saved my marriage. Here’s what happened: For his 40th birthday I gave my husband the gift of 40 straight days of sex on a whim. The next morning, I panicked, realizing I could never survive that much sex—physically or emotionally. Desperate to make my gift more manageable, I tweaked my original offer and gave him 40 beads—each one good for a roll in the hay. Those beads changed everything about our life together and eventually became The Forty Beads Method, detailed in my new book Forty Beads: The Simple, Sexy Secret for Transforming Your Marriage. Here are 10 surprising marriage lessons I learned when I got better at getting busy with my husband.

1. When it comes to love, it pays big to pay it forward. Sometimes, when you give a truly selfless gift, what you get in return is your own heart’s greatest desire. In other words, I didn’t give my husband those beads because I wanted more sex. I was perfectly fine with our marginal-at-best sex life. I gave him those beads because I knew he wanted more sex. And what I’ve gotten in return is the loving, connected relationship I’ve always wanted. Sure, I took a risk, loosening my grip on the sexual power in my relationship, but the risk was so worth the reward.

2. Creating a sense of abundance around sex changes everything. Seriously—it’s so true. Before I stumbled across The Forty Beads Method, my husband never felt like there was enough sex in his life. Sound familiar? I now realize that his dour assessment of his sexual situation created a sense of lack that permeated our whole relationship.(And, by the way, he was right—our sex life was in the toilet.) Giving my husband those beads created a major shift, from a sense of lack to a sense of abundance around sex, which immediately triggered a deluge of love, altruism and gratitude that changed everything about our relationship. He started going out of his way to fill my needs—like offering to pick up the kids from school or just taking out the trash without being asked. Now, you might say he should’ve been doing those things before. And maybe so, but after 13 years of marriage, let’s just say we weren’t giving each other our best selves. After I tossed him those beads, we suddenly had an abundance of sweet little gestures, laughter and love bouncing back and forth between us. Sound like magic? I know—I think so, too, but really, it’s all about abundance.

3. A healthy, habitual sex life continually moves a relationship forward. Sex keeps a couple connected and keeps a relationship moving forward—progressing and evolving. Not having sex keeps a relationship stuck, or worse, kicks it headlong into a tailspin. I swam against the current of not enough sexin my marriage for years until I found an easy, fun way to go with the flow. Using The Forty Beads Method, I’ve learned to continually make choices that keep my relationship in forward motion, getting better with every passing day. Sure, we still have our rough moments, but we maintain a positive grade—not a negative one—all the time.

4. Saying “yes”is way more fun than saying “no.” Remember the Jim Carrey movie Yes Man where his character kept saying “yes” to whatever came his way? Sure, it caused some problems, but in the end, his life got way better. I’ve found that saying “yes” to sex with my husband on a regular basis has an expansive, opening effect on my own heart. Maybe the difference is that I live most days in positive alignment with what I want—an intimate, closely bonded relationship with my partner. We both continually rise above what threatens to pull us apart—and after 13 years of marriage, there were times when an upended toilet seat was enough to unravel a perfectly fine morning. That doesn’t happen anymore.

5. Anticipation is key. Ladies, anticipation is where it’s at—for you and him. This is something I realized after getting busy with the beads and, honestly, I’m not sure I would have come to this realization without them. With The Forty Beads Method, you’ve got your bead catcher (a little bowl by your bed) and he comes along and drops a bead into it, which triggers the anticipation process since it signals sex is on the horizon. As a result, you both start thinking about each other—and about coming together intimately—instead of focusing on the minutiae of the day. That anticipation is what gets you in the mood. And when you’re in the mood, well, things tend to play out a whole lot better in bed, don’t they?

6. More Sex = Better Sex. You always hear this, and I never wanted to think this could be true, but it absolutely is. Now, I don’t go into any specific between-the-sheets maneuvers in Forty Beads, but let’s just say that since I started having sex with my husband more often, my sexual experiences have never been better. Really. I think it’s kind of like committing to strength training versus being a total couch potato. When you use your muscles, they get stronger and work better. But if you don’t, they become weak and don’t respond very well. I’ll let you connect the dots.

7. Having sex can take less time than unloading the dishwasher. It’s true. I’ve timed it. I can’t tell you how often I used the excuse: “But we don’t have time!” Guess what? There’s time. And here’s what I’ve discovered: Taking the time to have sex with your husband on a regular basis (even if it’s just a quickie) will benefit your relationship more than almost anything else you could do instead—especially unloading the dishwasher.

8. Having sex on a regular basis can change how you feel about sex. In Forty Beads, I talk about the “Beadefits”—all those tangible and intangible benefits you receive from using The Forty Beads Method. A definite Beadefit for me is that I enjoy sex now—I have a consistent desire for it, I look forward to it and I don’t avoid it. After spending years dodging the deed, when I finally wrapped my head around the fact that my healthy sex life was making a difference in my marriage, my attitude toward sex changed completely.

9. Sex gets your creative juices flowing. Sex is the ultimate creative act. Again, not something I realized until after establishing my healthy sex habit, but as a woman, connecting to your sexuality—really embodying it—is key to living a fully engaged, creative life. It’s about connecting to your femininity. We all have this Aphrodite, Goddess of Love energy waiting inside of us. All we have to do is call it up. I spent years cutting myself off from my sexuality, but no more. Having sex with my husband reconnected me to my own sexuality and creativity. Want to create something great? Get busy.

10. Love is like a wheel. Maybe the most important thing I’ve learned from having sex with my husband is that sometimes we’re up and sometimes we’re down, but I know that as long as we keep things fluid (as in, have sex on a regular basis) when we find ourselves down, it won’t be long until we’re back up again. That’s because in a committed relationship, sex is a healer. In Forty Beads, I talk about a “beadefit” called the beading boomerang effect. When life gets to be too much—when you and your husband are at each other because the fridge went on the fritz, your three-year-old bit his buddy at school, or even the bigger stuff—if you lean toward intimacy, instead of away from it, you get back to the good life that much quicker. It may sound counterintuitive to fall into bed when you’re irritated, but you may just be surprised at how effective it is at pulling things back to center.

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Posted by on February 29, 2016 in Sex


The Next Success

The next night after the triple fail, my wife came up to me and asked, “Are you ready to try again?”  I was still recovering from the night before, so I replied, “Are you ready if it goes badly?”  That made her upset.  She started to leave and as she walked away she replied “You know what?  You are the biggest problem!”

I she walked away, I realized that it was not a very nice comment, and it was a sort of admission of failure.  Although it had gone badly the night before, she was ready to try again, so I should be also.  So I bolstered my courage, set my jaw for success, and when she walked by a couple of minutes later, I said, “Ok, well if you’re ready to try again, so am I!” A big smile came across her face.  She gave me a hug and said, “Good, I’ll see you at 8:00.”

So somewhere around that time, we made our way upstairs.  I still was not expecting much given the previous night and my wife’s time frame.  She had plans and needed to leave at 8:30, so I figured she would feel pressure to finish quickly, which would mean we would both be tense, which would set up a situation that wouldn’t end well.  But I figured, given the previous day, the mostly likely outcome is that we would be done in plenty of time.

Very soon after we got started, however, I could feel that the night was going to be a huge success.  I still do not know what is different on nights like those, but I immediately know that I have good control of my arousal and can easily increase or decrease it as necessary.  I was focusing more on relaxing the muscles in my belly rather than on the muscles in my pelvic floor, but I don’t think that can account for all of it.  I wish I had a better answer.  Either way, I was in control which allowed us to have one of the best experiences of our marriage.

The nice part about being in control is that I can do whatever my wife and I feel like we need.  We can go slow and easy, or fast and hard.  We can change the tempo to fit the mood and the stage.  Since I had so much control, I was able to do exactly what my wife wanted, and to change in response to her desires.  We were in tune with each other.  She was definitely enjoying it, and I don’t think I have ever heard her as vocal before.  It seemed to me that she was on a very slow but steady ramp towards her climax, which was building to a very high level.  We were working together and I was able to give her exactly what wanted when she needed it.  She eventually very naturally exploded into an orgasm, and I followed just enough afterwards to maximize her ecstasy.

Usually, when we finish, she gets up very quickly, cleans off, and then goes to do something else.  This night, she stayed there and pulled me close to her, giving me big kisses.  After a short while, she did get up to clean off.  I was still lying down on the bed and she came back, snuggled with me, and kissed me some more.  I can’t ever remembering happening before.  More than that, she was now late for her appointment, but still not rushing to get out.  What a great night!

In the next several days, we other reasonably successful experiences, although none quite like this.  It is nights like this that make all of the work worth it.


Posted by on February 19, 2016 in Sex


Triple Fail

My wife and I just had the worst night of sex we have ever had, and I can’t imagine a worse one.

Fail #1

My wife and I had not had sex for about a week while she was on her period, so when she said she was done and was ready to have sex, we ran upstairs shortly after we put our kids to bed. It actually started out pretty well. We were both excited and we were doing a lot of kissing and touching and she wasn’t using her vibrator, so our bodies were pressed tightly together. Very shortly we were both ready to go and when she positioned the tip of my penis at her opening, I started to slide in slowly and easily. We enjoyed the slow merge together and we were slowly working all of the way in.  Just as I got all of the way in …
One of our kids had awakened and was at the door. She jumped up to take care of the child, and after a few minutes they both came into the room, she said “__ is scared”, and they both climbed into bed.

Mood gone.

Fail #2

After we got the child taken care of we agreed to try again. This time we waited until they were all asleep. As we got into bed, however, my wife started yawning and seemed distracted. She gave me a quick kiss and then grabbed her vibrator. The mood was WAY not like it had been earlier, and I couldn’t get into it; I couldn’t get an erection. We tried to stumble through a couple of different things, but none of them was working and we ended up in a fight. We eventually resolved it, but the entire episode ended up as a loss.

Fail #3

We went to bed after another sexless night. Sometime in the middle of the night, one the children came into our room and woke my wife up. She took care of the problem, but couldn’t get back to sleep. She was still feeling aroused despite the earlier problems, so she cuddled close, started kissing me, and asked me I wanted to have sex. I never say no, so we started. Again, it was nothing like the first try earlier in the night, and I guess I wasn’t relaxed. I got all the way in but then had to pull out, but as soon as I got out I exploded. Intercourse was done. My wife was ready to go and she asked me to use my fingers, however, as soon as I started to put my fingers in, she started to orgasm. We couldn’t get the pressure or the tempo correct, and when it finished, she said, “That was weird. I think I prematurely orgasmed. See, it happens to women too.” And with that, we went back to sleep.

Of course, after three fails in one night, I couldn’t sleep. So I spent the rest of the night and the next day depressed.


Posted by on February 6, 2016 in Sex


TV and sex at the same time?

In my post that described my most recent sex practice session with my wife, I described how we agreed to allow her to watch TV while we had sex.  That made a great deal of sense at the time, but after I published the post it started to occur to me how ridiculous that was, and how disturbing.

The relevant part of the experience that was missing from the post was that the sex that night was really on par for sex that we normally have.  Neither my wife, who was distracted by watching TV, nor I, who was having sex with a distracted and disengaged wife, really seemed to notice that she was watching TV and we were not engaged with each other.  Our sexual experience should have been worse since we were not engaged with each other.

This is probably a bigger problem than the PE itself.  Add this to the list of issues to be resolved.

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Posted by on February 1, 2016 in Sex