In my previous post I described the exercises that I have been doing to help me relax my sex (pelvic floor) muscles. Although these have been effective, for fully treating my premature ejaculation, they are not enough. For me, successful sex seems to require that I relax muscles that I don’t need for any other activity, including any other bodily function. So, in order to ensure that I am relaxing the muscles I need to during sex, I need to practice sex.
Unfortunately, my wife is not (yet?) up for sex twice a day, so I have to do it myself. These workouts entail stimulating my penis while relaxing my sex muscles as much as possible to avoid ejaculation. This is not what is usually called “edging”, where you try to get as close to ejaculation as possible without cresting over into it. It is stimulating yourself as much as possible while learning to stay as far from ejaculation as possible. I have written about these in the past and described various levels of success with them; however, with my focus on relaxation and breathing, I have seen increasing success with these workouts.
Back in January, when I tried some of the exercises from the new books that I had purchased, I was unable to consistently last ten minutes without having to stop or just exploding. It has now been several months since I have ejaculated during these workouts. I usually do 20 minute sessions, and I am able to keep myself completely in control the entire time. Often I am able to relax myself enough that I lose my erection sometime after the 10 minute mark. So I have made significant progress.
This sort of workout is recommended by most of the authors who give suggestions for overcoming premature ejaculation, and they usually suggest that you use some sort of lubrication to simulate sex as closely as possible. I have tried this also but not really had much success with it. First of all, it is a big mess to clean up by itself, and adds to the mess if you ejaculate. Second, sometimes it provides too much lubrication, or the wrong texture, or some very artificial sensation that has caused me to lose my erection rather than make it feel more sensual. So I have avoiding using lubricant.
The important aspect is to make it feel as much like sex as possible. I have found that for myself, I can get an effective workout with a dry hand using the correct grip. As I have done these exercises, I have realized that there are several sensations that my penis is extremely sensitive to:
- Pressure on the head of my penis (top and bottom)
- Stimulation on the back of my penis just below the head
- Movement across frenulum (on the bottom, below the head)
- Feeling pressure along the length of my penis
As I look back at the list, it looks pretty absurd – I sure most men would say those are true of them also! Either way, those are triggers for me that cause me to tighten my pelvic floor muscles during sex. Along the way, I found that I could create all of those sensations and stimulate those areas with my dry hand using grip similar to showing the number “four” with my fingers. I place my thumb on the back, on the ridge between my head and my shaft. My first and second finger go on my frenulum, sometimes providing a tight grip, and sometimes sliding lightly over it. My ring and pinky fingers reach down towards the base of my penis as far as they can (I wish I could say they only get half way down, but unfortunately they reach most of the way.) This this hand position, I get sensations that are as close to a vagina that I can get with my hands, and so it is very effective for learning to relax during sex.
The whole purpose of these workouts are to help me to relax and to recognize the muscles that get tight during sex. Despite all of the mystical sounding descriptions by Taoist masters, I have found that it all comes down to relaxation. If the muscle tingles during sex, it needs to be relaxed. As I relax, the tingling sensation goes away, or moves to the back. During these exercises, my goal is to move the sensation as far back as possible – to my pelvis or lower spine. The farther the better.
So these workouts have been essential for me to learn relaxation. Without them, I wouldn’t be able to identify the muscles that need relaxation. Unfortunately, during sex there is too much going on for me to notice or learn anything. I certainly don’t enjoy doing them very much, but I realize that they are necessary for me right now. My goal is to improve sex with my wife, and in order to get there, there is some work that I need to do by myself.