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Triple Fail

My wife and I just had the worst night of sex we have ever had, and I can’t imagine a worse one.

Fail #1

My wife and I had not had sex for about a week while she was on her period, so when she said she was done and was ready to have sex, we ran upstairs shortly after we put our kids to bed. It actually started out pretty well. We were both excited and we were doing a lot of kissing and touching and she wasn’t using her vibrator, so our bodies were pressed tightly together. Very shortly we were both ready to go and when she positioned the tip of my penis at her opening, I started to slide in slowly and easily. We enjoyed the slow merge together and we were slowly working all of the way in.  Just as I got all of the way in …
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK – “MOMMY, I FEEL SICK!!!”
One of our kids had awakened and was at the door. She jumped up to take care of the child, and after a few minutes they both came into the room, she said “__ is scared”, and they both climbed into bed.

Mood gone.

Fail #2

After we got the child taken care of we agreed to try again. This time we waited until they were all asleep. As we got into bed, however, my wife started yawning and seemed distracted. She gave me a quick kiss and then grabbed her vibrator. The mood was WAY not like it had been earlier, and I couldn’t get into it; I couldn’t get an erection. We tried to stumble through a couple of different things, but none of them was working and we ended up in a fight. We eventually resolved it, but the entire episode ended up as a loss.

Fail #3

We went to bed after another sexless night. Sometime in the middle of the night, one the children came into our room and woke my wife up. She took care of the problem, but couldn’t get back to sleep. She was still feeling aroused despite the earlier problems, so she cuddled close, started kissing me, and asked me I wanted to have sex. I never say no, so we started. Again, it was nothing like the first try earlier in the night, and I guess I wasn’t relaxed. I got all the way in but then had to pull out, but as soon as I got out I exploded. Intercourse was done. My wife was ready to go and she asked me to use my fingers, however, as soon as I started to put my fingers in, she started to orgasm. We couldn’t get the pressure or the tempo correct, and when it finished, she said, “That was weird. I think I prematurely orgasmed. See, it happens to women too.” And with that, we went back to sleep.

Of course, after three fails in one night, I couldn’t sleep. So I spent the rest of the night and the next day depressed.

 
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Posted by on February 6, 2016 in Sex

 

TV and sex at the same time?

In my post that described my most recent sex practice session with my wife, I described how we agreed to allow her to watch TV while we had sex.  That made a great deal of sense at the time, but after I published the post it started to occur to me how ridiculous that was, and how disturbing.

The relevant part of the experience that was missing from the post was that the sex that night was really on par for sex that we normally have.  Neither my wife, who was distracted by watching TV, nor I, who was having sex with a distracted and disengaged wife, really seemed to notice that she was watching TV and we were not engaged with each other.  Our sexual experience should have been worse since we were not engaged with each other.

This is probably a bigger problem than the PE itself.  Add this to the list of issues to be resolved.

 
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Posted by on February 1, 2016 in Sex

 

Practice Bonus

In my last post, I wrote about practicing my ejaculation control on my wife while she watched TV on her phone.  Overall, it was a successful night where I was able to prove that I was on the right track with my relaxation and my wife was able to endure the practice session and finish with an orgasm.

I don’t know how long it lasted – maybe 20 to 30 minutes. (I guess I could find out by asking her how many shows she watched!)  Don’t get too excited about the time.  It wasn’t really great sex from the normal sex perspective; however, it is a good measurement of how long I was focusing on relaxing my pelvic floor.  I don’t usually time my relaxation sessions, but my guess is they are probably never that long and probably not that focused on relaxation or that successful in actually relaxing.  This is one reason why practice is necessary for me:  there is just no way to simulate having sex.  I actually have to have sex.

Even though I ejaculated, my sex muscles were still relaxed and when I laid down I fell asleep immediately.  This may not sound strange since most guys have the reputation for rolling over and falling asleep right after ejaculating, but for me this was new.  I have had trouble sleeping since probably age 13 and sex rarely helps the situation.  What was more interesting was that I slept through the entire night, not waking up once.  I usually wake up several times, and on at least some of the times I awake, I have great trouble getting back to sleep.  So my night’s sleep was much different and much better than what I ordinarily get.

Of course, this stands out starkly against most of the rest of my nights, so it caught my attention.  As I thought about this, I realized that I had been feeling like I wanted to fall asleep more times throughout the day, and those times happened to correspond to the times I was relaxing my pelvic floor muscles.  Very interesting, but possibly just coincidence since I have not been sleeping well at night anyway.

I got the next clue the next morning when I woke up.  Again, I had slept through the night very well.   When I woke up, I felt my usual need to stretch my lower back and legs, which feels like my muscles have tightened up from eight (or so) hours of non-use.  This is how I have always explained it to myself.  As usual, the stretching doesn’t really get rid of the sensations, so I gritted my teeth as usual and decided to do my sex muscle exercises for the morning.  This time, however, as I started to do them and my pelvic floor relaxed, I felt the tension leave my hips and legs!  Really?  That tension could be tied to my pelvic floor?  I tensed and released my pelvic floor several more times.  Each time I tensed it, I felt the tension in my hips,  Each time I release, I felt the tension leave my hips.  I confirmed this again over the next couple of morning and verified that my tight pelvic floor muscles were a cause (or major aggravation) of my night-time hip and leg tension.

Amazing!  Why did it take me so long to find this out?  For a couple of years now I have been asking the question “If my pelvic floor muscles are so tense, why don’t I feel any negative effects in other parts of my physiology other than my sexual performance?”  Now I was beginning to see the answer.  Over the next couple of days I came up with the following list:

Problems Caused by Tight Pelvic Floor Muscles

  1. Premature ejaculation – clearly this is a symptom
  2. Urinary hesitancy – can’t get my pee out easily or smoothly
  3. Poor sleep – caused by excessive tension in my body that doesn’t allow me to relax; keeps “fight or flight” instinct going
  4. Stiffness in my hips and legs – a balancing reaction to counter the pull from the pelvic floor
  5. Stiffness in my lower back – same as stiffness in my hips
  6. Poor digestion – tension in my lower abdomen not allowing the organs and muscles to work naturally
  7. Anxiety – excessive tension causing “fight or flight” response
  8. Poor athletic performance – excessive muscle tension hurts endurance and relaxation

This is the list I came up with, and it is probably only partial.  I guess if I had written all of these down, I might have discovered a pattern, but since they happened for my entire life, or at least as long as I can remember, I thought that there is really nothing wrong.  I could only start to realize that something was wrong when I got a look from a differing perspective or when the problem had a negative impact on another person, as PE does.

So the good news is that I am seeing some improvement in some of these areas.  This does give me some incentive to continue with the relaxation exercises for these other benefits, and decreases my focus on sex. This is good.

 

 
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Posted by on January 26, 2016 in Sex

 

Practice Night

After rediscovering how tense I was and finding that I was able to relax all of my key sex muscles quite easily, I was eager to try it out again with my wife.  After our last couple of experiences, however, I wasn’t sure if she was going to be interested or cooperative.  Things hadn’t gone well, she was not getting what she wanted, and I was looking very self-centered and selfish.  I also knew that this was going to be a “working session” for me, where I focus more on what I am feeling than on her. Plus, she was having a hard week, so I knew I had to sweeten the deal.  Since she has been watching a lot of TV on her phone recently, I thought that I would suggest that she watch TV while I practiced on her.

I still was sure how it was going to go over, but I asked anyways.  “I think I’ve found some of the reason why I’ve had less control during sex in the last few months.  Would you be willing to allow me to practice tonight?” I asked.  Her reply: “I am very tired, so I am not going to be very into it.  Can I watch TV while you are doing me?”  Wow – she stole my idea; she beat me to it!  “Sure,” I said, “that works for me.”  “Really?  Ok, I’ll see you there at 8:30.”

So at 8:30 we headed upstairs.  When I got out of the bathroom she was already in position with her phone in her hand.  Even though she wasn’t paying much attention to me, she still looked good, so I got down to business.  I actually spent a bunch of time touching her body and stimulating myself, trying to develop the anticipation I always feel while keeping my sex muscles relaxed.  I was able to stay relaxed and after several minutes, I was able to enter her and start thrusting.

I think she was trying her hardest to ignore me, but even while watching TV, it must be pretty hard to focus when you have your husband thrusting his penis in you.  After a couple of minutes, she reached for her vibrator and applied it to her clitoris.  Every several minutes, when a commercial would come on, she would put down her phone and engage with me, then pick up the phone when the commercial was over.

We went on like this for several minutes.  I was successful with my relaxation in the sense that I was able to control my arousal and vary the depth and speed of my thrusts.  It was nothing like the control I had earlier in the year, but much better than the recent months.  My goal was to just practice for 10 minutes or so, then pull out; however, have you ever voluntarily pulled out?  No, me either, so I just kept going to see how long I could last.

Towards the end, my wife started to get more into it and was paying more attention to me than the phone.  I started to focus on her too much and lost control of myself, falling over into ejaculation.  This eventually caused her to have an orgasm also, the first one in several weeks.

So in the end the practice was successful.  I was able to stay relaxed and prove that my problem had been unchecked tension.  I was able to practice on her and boost my confidence.  She was able to give as much of herself as she was willing, but then also experienced sexual release and satisfaction.  This night turned my attitude around and gave me hope for more success in the future.

 
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Posted by on January 22, 2016 in Sex

 

More and More and More and More and More and More Relaxation

At this point, I don’t remember how much I wrote this summer about my success with controlling ejaculation.  In summary, the month of June was amazing.  I felt like a normal guy, able to change thrusting speed and depth to please my wife, and able to get close to the edge of ejaculation and then move away.  It was awesome!

As is usually the case, however, I completely lost control after that.  No matter what I tried, I was not able to get back to that place.  It has been a frustrating July, August, September, October, November, and December having experienced how good it could be but without knowing how to get back there.

Shortly after my tirade post, my wife and I had another frustrating and disappointing sexual experience. We were both frustrated because I wasn’t able to control myself or even relax enough to enjoy the experience, and my wife was left feeling distant and unfulfilled. She quickly got dressed and went back downstairs to watch TV, leaving me up in the room by myself.

There is never a time that I feel worse than when we have a bad experience and my wife leaves the room immediately. I am always tempted to pack it in and drown in despair, but, fortunately, I am not quite that passive.  I am always driven to attempt to make progress. No matter how down I feel, I can never ever really give up. This night was no exception. Despite having just ejaculated, I decided to try to determine why I was so out of control and what I would have to do recover.

I started stimulating my frenulum, which is usually the culprit. Whatever is going wrong, I can usually find it by starting there. As soon as I started stimulating it, I could feel a muscle in my pelvic floor tense with every stroke.  It was, of course, the same sensation the causes me to lose control during sex. I was able to focus on it, tense it and relax it, and get it to stay relaxed while I continued stimulating myself. This actually turned out to be a muscle that I think I was working on with my exercises but somewhere along the line got overlooked. I immediately added it to my exercise routine. Also, since it seemed to be the tightest muscle when all of the other muscles were relaxed, I determined to focus on relaxing it throughout the day. Surprisingly, this turned out to be much easier than I expected.

So this seemed to be one muscle that I had recently overlooked, and I was determined to find the rest. Back in June, I had felt like I was in control of my sexuality, and I determined to figure out what had gone wrong. Sometime later the next day, I realized that I had allowed myself to tense up my peeing muscles, so that I was having urinary hesitancy again – it took me a long time to get started and it was difficult getting everything out. This was actually kind of good news, because I knew how to fix that. Immediately, I started to relax my peeing muscles, and as I did that, I remembered that I had to relax some other muscles inside my belly, like cords running from my belly button down to my testicles. I had also let these muscles get tight again.

This was good news for my relaxation. I had rediscovered proper relaxation and reminded myself that I carry way more tension in my belly and pelvis than the average person. I also remembered that relaxing these muscles was key to my success earlier in the year. Somehow I had forgotten this vital information.

Consequently, I renewed my focus on relaxing throughout the day, in the morning before I get up, and at night before I fall asleep. As I did this, I found even more tense muscles that run down the sides of my body and end in the what feels like little claws pulling up on my sex organs. As I relaxed all of these muscles, I could feel my pelvic floor and sex organs sink. I all this relaxing created a calm and peaceful mindset. It was actually very pleasant because I was beginning to feel the benefit of relaxing by itself, without the goal of better sex. I was beginning to enjoy the sensations and process of relaxing.

As I got to this point, I realized that I had rediscovered at least part of what I had been doing when I had been successful back in June. At this point, I couldn’t wait to try it out on my wife.

 
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Posted by on January 17, 2016 in Sex

 

Oh yeah, and about Love…

In my previous post, I talked about the hidden emotions that I have and my need recognize and confess them, but I completely forgot to talk about love.

The commenter stated that his premature ejaculation (and his relationship with his wife) began to improve when he started focusing on doing things in love rather than in fear.  I can completely identify with this situation.  As I stated in the post, I have found that there are a lot of areas of my life where I operate out of fear, and it has a negative impact on all of these areas.  I have also noticed, however, that operating out of love improved things immensely.

Specifically in the area of sex, I have noticed that when I feel like I am in an atmosphere of love, I do much better and our sexual experience is much more fulfilling.  When I think back to all of the best sexual encounters we have had in the last several years, they all have this in common.  They occur when we are on vacation, or after some event where we have spent a significant part of the day together and have had a good time doing whatever activity with each other.  It usually follows a relaxing meal and we don’t have anything else on our schedules.  Needless to say, we haven’t been in an argument, either.

In these situations, I, at least, feel loved and I feel love for my wife.  I feel like we are connected and I am feeling positive about our marriage.  Under these conditions, our sex is almost always good.  My performance is never what most would consider normal, but I have enough control the relax and enjoy the moment.  I can thrust enough to please my wife, but I can pull out in time to use my hands.  She is turned on enough to enjoy whatever I do and experience multiple orgasms.  We have a great time and we finish feeling fulfilled and closer together.

So when I read the comment, it resonated with me and I realized that I need to remove fear and build more love into my life.  Thanks again for the comment and for blessing us with your experience.

 
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Posted by on January 16, 2016 in Sex

 

Hidden Emotions

One of the followers of this blog left a comment on a previous post.  The comment included the following paragraph:

As I was finishing the book I mentioned (Conversations with God: An Uncommon Dialogue, Book 1), I went to the urologist to see if I had any physical ailments causing PE. The results came back mostly negative. There were minor issues but no smoking gun. Once that happened I was pretty sure things were primarily in my head. I was approaching many things in life with a fear mentality. As I reflected on significant moments in my life, I realized that my best moments and greatest successes came when I approached things with a mentality of love. So I shifted my mindset with regards to PE and a number of other things from fear to love. I envisioned success in all the areas of life that I had previously approached with fear. To date I have seen dramatic results in all these areas of my life. My wife thinks she is with a totally different guy.

This is a profound observation that takes a lot of courage and honesty to discover, and even more to begin to address.  As men, we don’t want to be fearful or to be failures, making this observation that much more difficult.  I believe I have written previously about the panic that I feel before my wife and I have sex.  I am vaguely aware that this comes from some sort of fear, although I am not sure of what.  Certainly at this point, I am afraid that the sexual experience will turn out badly, but I think there is more to it than that.  The comment struck a chord with me because I have a feeling in the back of my mind that my life I more ruled by fear than I am usually willing to admit.  I am going to have to dig into that deeper.  I will eventually get a copy of that book and read through it, but as it happens, I am already starting to look at this more closely.

Quite by my coincidence (but God’s plan), I started studying “Stepping Up” by FamilyLife with the other men in my small group.  The first lesson, which we covered last night talked about courage:  how do we define it and what it looks like in everyday life.  The discussion was open, honest, and insightful, and it gave me a new perspective on courage.  At the same time, I began to see how much my life I approach from an attitude of fear.  The telling realization was that in much of my interaction with my wife, particularly when it comes to strong emotions and conflict, my reactions and choices are dictated by fear.  The fear then forces me into inaction and isolation where nothing positive can happen.  I got some encouragement from actually noticing that this was a problem and seeing that I can make some good progress in this area.  One of the features of the “Stepping Up” study is that you develop a plan of action.  So I am hopeful that this study will help me to face difficult situations in my life with courage.  This will definitely help with my marriage, and hopefully with my PE.

I have had several good observations recently, and probably more important than noticing that I act out of fear is the realization of how angry I am.  Through discussions with and challenges from some good friends and my wife, prayer, and introspection, I have realized how angry I am in almost all areas of my life.   Even a couple of months ago, I would have never characterized myself as angry.  I thought I was an easy-going guy who was tolerant of things that happen and forgiving of others.  I’ve realized that this is only partially true, and that there are a lot of areas where I feel slighted, cheated, and taken for granted.  In these areas I have built up a large amount of anger and resentment.  My job now is to work through that, forgive the people I have been offended by, and learn to trust that God is good and will use all of these circumstances for my benefit.  I don’t see it all now, but I know that this is the direction I need to move.  As with the fear, I don’t know if it will directly help my PE, but it will definitely help my relationship with the Lord and with my wife.

Thanks to guy who left the comment and taking the time to show us a part of his journey, and helping the rest of us to see that we need to follow his lead.  If in the process of overcoming our PE we learn to be better men, husbands, and fathers, then maybe PE is for our benefit and fighting through it is worth the effort.

 
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Posted by on January 15, 2016 in Sex

 
 
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