Really Great Sex

What does really great sex look like?  I think most of us focus on the physical: techniques, body types, activities, novelty, and variety.  Certainly most magazines in the isles at the grocery store put these on the front cover.  They are flashy attention grabbers that promise bliss after reading one article.

I recently came across a blog post that described research by Peggy Kleinplatz, PhD, where she looked at what actually makes sex great.  The interesting conclusion that they physical had very little to do with great sex, as reported by those who claimed to be having great sex.  She says “The actual sexual behaviors and acts performed are far less important than the mind-set and intent of the person or couple engaged in these acts,”  The summary blog post is here (I couldn’t find the research paper) and here is the summary of the components of great sex:

1. Being present, focused and embodied:  This was the first and most frequently mentioned factor contributing to great sex. As one woman described, “It’s being fully alive in one’s skin, engaged with the partner — emotionally, intellectually, physically, spiritually — in the moment.”
2. Connection, alignment, merger, being in sync: Depth of the connection between partners was one of the most critical elements of the experience regardless of duration of the relationship.
3. Deep sexual and erotic intimacy:  This is the foundation of a relationship in which optimal sexuality becomes a possibility. It involves deep mutual respect, caring, genuine acceptance and admiration, but this is easier said than done. As Kleinplatz notes, “you can’t trust just anyone.”
4. Extraordinary communication, heightened empathy:  Kleinplatz describes the study’s participants as having ‘black belts’ in communication. “These weren’t people who learned all about the other sex’s genitalia and then just applied the technique,” she says. “These were people who were so engaged in and with their partners’ bodies that they could read their partners’ responses, not only touching them, but feeling them.”
5. Authenticity, being genuine, being uninhibited, transparent:  “This is pretty much the opposite of self-consciousness,” says Kleinplatz. “It’s allowing oneself to be emotionally naked while being seen by a partner.”
6. Transcendence, bliss, peace, transformation, healing:  Participants in the study often reported a sense of timelessness or the infinite during great sex. “Their experience often really was exalted, and they would use language borrowed from religion to describe it,” says Kleinplatz.
7. Exploration, interpersonal risk-taking, fun:  Participants described great sex as an adventure, an opportunity to discover things about themselves and their partners and a chance to pursue ever greater depths. “Interpersonal risk-taking and exploration emerged as important components of great sex… undertaken in the context of play and fun,” says Kleinplatz.
8. Vulnerability and surrender:  “Giving oneself,” letting oneself be vulnerable and surrendering to a partner were exquisite aspects of great sex, participants in the study said. Kleinplatz describes great sex as a leap of faith. “It’s saying ‘I’m going to jump off this cliff, be naked and be vulnerable and give myself to somebody else and take them in’ and I hope I feel good after I do that.”

Those are all great observations.  It clearly falls along the lines that improving your relationship improves you sex.  The longer your married, the better the sex can get.