Reevaluation Time

The other nigh, my wife and I got into a fight during sex.  Who does that, right?  I was doing something to her (and I don’t really even remember what) that she didn’t like.  She started to use her terse, angry tone to tell me to stop and do something different.  There are few things worse than being berated when you are naked, so I started to get angry.  I knew things could only get worse, so I said, “I need to take a break” and I laid down next to her.   

“Where are you going?   What are you doing?”, she said, still angry and irritated.

I replied, as calmly as I could, “You were using an angry tone with me and things were not going well, so I decided to take a break.”

“I wouldn’t have to get angry with you if you would do what I asked you to do, the way I asked you to do it.”

“I was doing it the way you told me to do it last time.  Maybe if you were more engaged and focused on what were doing, you wouldn’t have so much trouble.”

And things just spiraled downward from there.  She got more and more angry.  Eventually all of here bottled-up resentment came out.  She told me how she hated the pressure I put on her to have sex, how much she didn’t like it, how she would never have sex as much as we did if it was up to her, how having sex with someone with premature ejaculation was an intolerable burden.  Then she stormed out of the room and went downstairs.

I didn’t know what to say or do.  I was trying to calmly take break to keep a fight from happening, but it happened anyway.  And then all of the truth she had been trying to hide came flying out.  So I turned out the lights and tried to go to sleep.

She eventually came back upstairs, apologized, and we talked a little bit about what happened, but it didn’t change what she had said.  We are clearly at a much different point than I thought we were.  I was trying to let her set the schedule for sex.  I thought she was enjoying it more.  I thought we were getting on a more regular schedule.  Apparently, none of that is true and we are at a completely different place than I thought we were. 

We’ve got a lot more work to do than I thought.


Posted by on September 1, 2014 in Sex


Sex To-Do List

I have been having a good streak of success with sex.  I am by no means where either I or my wife wants me to be, but I am getting better.  I have much fewer instances where I feel like I am going to ejaculate as soon as we start to have sex, and I can take longer and deeper strokes more often.  As a result, we are both enjoying sex more.

I did, however, have a horrible failure last week.  As soon as we started to have sex, I felt like I was going to ejaculate.  I couldn’t really move without getting myself too aroused, and it wasn’t very long before I lost control.  I was frustrated while we were having sex, and I couldn’t figure out what the problem was.  While I was lying in bed afterwards and thinking through what had happened, and I realized that I had forgotten to actively breathe and move the sexual energy back.  How could I forget something so basic?  I don’t know.  Seems like I should remember what I need to do, but I don’t.  So to help me remember, I made a list of things to remember when I am having sex.  I called it “Steps to success”.  Here are the steps.

  1. Do not “just relax”.  That does not work for you
  2. Relax your mind and calm your thoughts
  3. Relax down your back, from your head to your toes
  4. Feel your organs sink
  5. Breathe deeply
  6. Lock the gate (keep the front muscles tight)
  7. Pump the energy away (using the muscles in back)

I printed them out and put them on the table next to our bed.  I try read through them before we have sex.  I hope it helps me to remember all of the important steps.

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Posted by on September 1, 2014 in Sex


Better Relaxation

I am getting much better at relaxing my pelvic floor muscles.  Relaxing them and keeping them relaxed is easier and much more natural than it was before I started the physical therapy.  When I stop to do a tension check and realize that the muscles are tense, I can almost always get them to relax immediately.  I can even tense and relax them while I am walking.

This is a big improvement over where I was when I started physical therapy in January.  It also shows a drastic increase awareness and control.  My guess is that this the level of control the average guy has when he first gets married.  I am starting out way behind, but I am hopeful that I will continue to be able to make progress.

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Posted by on August 21, 2014 in Sex


New Exercise Position

In my last post, I talked about how I am starting to understand how to use my sex muscles to control my ejaculation.  The summary is that I need to perform coordinated contractions of my muscles to pump the energy away from my prostate to keep myself from ejaculating too quickly.

As I’ve tried this during sex, I’ve realized that it is much more difficult to do than when I am doing the Kegel exercises at other times.  I can’t squeeze the muscles nearly as efficiently, and I definitely can’t relax them as well.  I eventually figured out that when I do the exercises, I am usually lying down on my back or sitting in a chair.  The problem is that these are all relatively relaxed positions.  When my wife and I are having sex, it is usually in a man on top position, and I am supporting myself with my arms and my legs.  I am also facing more downwards than anything else.  This is a completely different position than I am in when doing the exercises, and it is much more strenuous and less relaxing.

So to get better at controlling my muscles during sex, I have had to change the way I do the exercises.  I now try to do at least one set a day in plank position, where I am holding myself up on my elbows and knees.  It is significantly more difficult to do Kegel exercises this way, and is much closer to the way I feel during sex.  If I can learn to squeeze and relax in this position, I’ll be better prepared for doing it during sex.

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Posted by on August 13, 2014 in Sex


Understanding Sex Muscle Control

My success with controlling my ejaculation has come with a better understanding of how to control my sex muscles and how I am supposed to use them during sex.

First, when I have all of my muscles completely relaxed, I get aroused and erect really quickly. This is the way that I need to start out.  If I start out with my muscles tense, then I have difficulty getting an erection, so I need to start out relaxed.  However, if I stay relaxed too long and I start to get really turned on, then it feels like the energy (with the semen) is going to squirt out of the end of my penis.

When I get to this point, I need to tighten the muscles at the front of my pelvic floor.  When I do this, it feels like I am pulling back on my penis.  If i can do this and keep the other muscles relaxed, then this actually stops the sensation of impending ejaculation and makes the head of my penis feel less sensitive.  While this muscle is tense, it actually makes my erection harder and keeps it up, so that is good for sex too.

This is the ideal state for me to be in.  If I can keep my excitement down, and keep my other pelvic floor muscles really relaxed, then the energy will flows back towards my pelvis and up towards my spine.  I can do this when I am practicing by myself, but it is very difficult to do when we are actually having sex.

This next part was really the big key discovery for me.  If I can’t keep the muscles in back relaxed and I feel like I am getting close to ejaculation, I squeeze the muscles way in the back with several quick contractions.  This pumps the energy away from my prostate in a way similar to what happens when I ejaculate.  It’s like a mini-ejaculation, just enough to keep me from going over the edge, but not enough to lose my erection.  The key is that I have squeeze as far back as possible and then release and relax it as much as possible, while keeping the tension on the muscle in front.  If I squeeze too hard or too many times, my erection will go down.  If that happens, I can just relax completely, and my erection usually comes right back.  Then I start the process again.

While I am squeezing the muscles in back, I have to keep my body relaxed.  I think of letting my internal organs sink as much as possible.  It also helps to take a big breath when I squeeze.  It helps to relax my body and put additional pressure on the prostate to pump the energy away.

It also helps to pull out some when I get this turned on.  There is less stimulation on my penis, and I can relax more easily.

I am finding it really challenging to coordinate all of these motions, but I do feel like I am getting better at it. The good news is that it seems to be working, and it also seems to be consistent with some of the Tantra articles I have read.  It is certainly enough to give me hope that I am finally on the right path.  I have claimed victory several times before, but I think this time it’s the real thing.


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Posted by on August 12, 2014 in Sex


Penis Judgment

Now that I know that urinary hesitancy can be an indicator of premature ejaculation, I find myself judging how other guys perform based on how they pee.  I don’t really want to know this information, but It really hard to ignore when a guy is standing at the urinal right next to you.  If I hear a good strong stream that starts immediately and ends with very little effort, I think “That guys probably performs pretty well.”  But if a guy stands there for a while, starts, stops, starts, stops, stops, starts, stops, then I think “I bet he’s got PE.”  It’s weird.

Since muscle tension is related to energy flow, I have often suspected that when I have had other people do energy work on me, they figure out I have PE.  I went to a Korean Eastern medicine doctor when my wife and I were having fertility problems.  He checked me and said that my “chi [energy] was high.”  That was long before I started working on my premature ejaculation, so I am sure he knew that I had PE.  I suspect that this is true for a good massage therapist, acupuncturist, and many chiropractors.

As an aside, I read an article once where the authors claimed to be able to tell if a woman was multi-orgasmic by the way she walked.  They didn’t say how, but that would be useful information for men looking for a wife.

Anyways, it’s interesting what you learn about others when you learn something about yourself.

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Posted by on August 3, 2014 in Sex


Current Kegel Approach

Here is my current approach to doing my Kegel exercises.  I’ve found that doing them this way ensures that I am engaging all of the muscles, but controlling them separately.  It also ensures I start with the ones that have the greatest impact on the biofeedback meter.

  1. Pull up on the middle muscle like I am trying to force out semen – “squirt it out”
  2. Pull back on the front muscle like I am trying to keep it in – “close the gate”
  3. Extend the contraction as far to the back and as high up my sacrum as possible
  4. Sink my belly down and focus on pulling the muscles together (rather than up)
  5. Relax my body, from my head, down my back, to my toes
  6. Hold for a count of 10.  Sometimes I do 9 quick pulses of the muscles in the back while I’m holding the others.
  7. Release and relax until all of the muscles relax and sink down

I repeat 10 times at least three times a day.  Since my physical therapy appointments are becoming less frequent, I try to do several more sets at least once per week.

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Posted by on August 3, 2014 in Sex


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