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Reducing Stress

After my last visit to the physical therapist, I was doing some research on the web for acupuncture and cranial-sacral therapy.  While I was there, I decided to do some additional searches on ejaculation control.  I hadn’t done one in a while, so I wanted to see if I could find anything new.

I did find a site that I had not seen before, although I had seen a lot of the information before.  The author was trying to sell a program to overcome premature ejaculation, which is always a scam, but he listed all of the steps in his program.  One of the steps included mental relaxation techniques.

I have seen these suggestions before, but with the current state of my sexual performance and ability to relax, I read it with a new perspective.  It occurred to me that maybe I was not relaxed mentally during sex and that was causing me to be unable to relax my pelvic floor.

I decided to investigate this further, so I started thinking through some of the stress I might feel during sex.  I came up with the following list.

  1. Not enough frequency.  Every time we have sex, it seems novel and new, like the first time (or maybe the second).  This might be great for guys who perform like porn stars, but I need more familiarity.  The schedule definitely helps, but sometimes we miss and we’ll have to reschedule.  It just adds variation that I have to deal with.
  2. Variation in my wife’s response.  Sex never seems to be the same night every night.  I try the same thing, but the results are different.  She says she is the same but I am doing something different.  Sometimes my wife gets angry about it.  Either way, it doesn’t always work, so there is always that thought going through my mind.
  3. Rushing through sex.  Often I feel like we rush through sex, or certainly the arousal part to get to intercourse.  I’d like to slow down, but my wife wants to keep pushing through.  Sometimes I think I’m the woman – I take more time to warm up.
  4. Memories of previous failures.  I remember that it didn’t go well the previous time, and I worry that it will happen again.

As I created this list, I realized that I do have a lot of stressful thoughts when it comes to sex.  I realized that I need to be more aware of these feelings and thoughts.  I need to be able to banish them during sex and focus on the moment.  That should help me to be more mentally relaxed, which will help my body relax, which should help my PE.

 
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Posted by on July 21, 2014 in Sex

 

A Fully Successful Night

In the last week or so, I have refocused on relaxing my pelvic floor and circulating my sexual energy.  I have been much more successful with that I had been several weeks ago.  I am able to get myself much more relaxed during the day, and I am able to keep myself relaxed.  Despite all of this success, it hasn’t translated that well to sex with my wife.

To help with this, the physical therapist suggested that I try to relax before sex – just take some time beforehand to calm myself down. It is a little bit of a strange idea, and I wasn’t sure how it was actually going to work, but I ended up getting there by a different path.

Last night my wife went out to dinner with some friends.  When she goes out, she is usually out late and I don’t expect to see her before I go to bed.  So I went to bed planning on doing some of my self-cultivation exercises before I fell asleep.  I started out stimulating my penis slowly and got to the point where I was fully relaxed, and I was going to see if I could stay in that state for a while.  Then my wife came home.  I wasn’t expecting her, but since I was in the middle of the exercise, I decided not to stop.  She came upstairs, opened the door, and whispered “Are you still awake?”  “Yes”, I replied.  So she turned on the light.  When she saw me hard, she asked “What are you doing?”  “Practicing my relaxation,” I said.  “Nice, she responded.  Then she said, “That looks good.  I want some!”

So she got undressed, cleaned herself off, and got into bed.  After we made out for a while, I entered her slowly, and I was fully in control.  Because I had started out relaxed, I was able to stay relaxed.  We played around a little and the couple of times that I got close, I squeezed my sex muscles and was able to back away from ejaculation.  We continued playing until she couldn’t hold back any more.  I started thrusting to give her the stimulation she likes, and that put me over too.  It was a really good ending.

The night was very successful.  Relaxing before we start was a great idea and it worked. It is something that I should continue to do to help me get into the right state before we have sex.

 

 
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Posted by on July 9, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

Mastery, not Magic

I was reading through my previous post, and it reminded me of an old Far Side comic.  In it, a professor is reviewing a math formula written by one of his students.  Right in the middle of the derivation there is cloud with the words “And then a miracle occurs…”  The professor points to the cloud and says “I think you need to be more explicit here in step two.”

My description of my last visit to the physical therapist made it sound like a mysterious event occurred and then suddenly I had control of my pelvic floor.  I think I need to be more explicit in step two.

In that month between PT visits, I got more proficient at contracting and relaxing my pelvic floor muscles (“mastery” is probably a little strong).  Along the way, I got rid of the habit I had of using some internal abdominal muscle to pull up my pelvic floor.

It started with the realization that I probably wasn’t contacting the correct muscles.  When I ejaculated, it felt like the muscles were deeper than the ones I was using for the exercises.  So  I started to focus on squeezing deeper, like I was trying to shoot semen out of my penis.  At the same time, I started to breathe deeply into my stomach to relax my belly and the other abdominal muscles.  I also focused on relaxing my whole body, from my head, down my spine, through my pelvis and down my legs.  The sensation I got was a more intense, localized squeeze in my pelvic floor, more like I was trying for force myself to ejaculate.

This seems to have worked.  I think it helped me to isolate my muscles better so I am getting a better contraction.  I also helped me to relax more, so when I let go, the muscles relax.  As a result, when I went to see the physical therapist, I was expecting different results.  I knew I was doing something different, and my pelvic floor felt more relaxed, but I had no idea how much.  I was pleasantly surprised at the results.  At the same time, I was also relieved that could finally relax my muscles they way I am supposed to.  It is really hard for me to be such a slow learner.

The good news is that it didn’t just happen.  I know what I did and I can repeat it.  I hope this means I’ve made a permanent change for the better.

 
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Posted by on July 7, 2014 in Sex

 

Encouragement from the Physical Therapist

I had another session with the pelvic floor physical therapist today.  I am actually getting towards the end of my treatment, so the visits are less frequent.  It has been a month since I have seen her, and this was the first time since I started using the muscle relaxing suppositories.

We started out as usual, discussing how things were going.  I told her about my sense of more relaxation but lack of progress in sex.  So she said we would check out where I was with the feedback.

She hooked me up and I relaxed.  Nothing new.  Then she started the exercise set.  With my first contraction she exclaimed “Good”, with a slight surprise in her voice.  With the next one she said “Very good,” and then “excellent, this is what we want to see.”  As some point she said “Perfect. Ok, well not perfect be very good.”  When I got done, she said, “That was excellent.  The relaxation went down very well.  I even saw some 2′s in there.”

So she saw a huge difference in my ability to contract and relax my pelvic floor in the month since I had last been there.  Just to verify her observations, she plotted the results from that exercise with previous results.  The tension wasn’t quite as high, but the relaxation was much lower than previous sessions.  It was objective proof of improvement.

The even nicer part was that I could feel the difference.  There were a couple that weren’t quite as good, but I could feel the difference.  I felt like I was in control of my pelvic floor.  it was fun and I was very excited.

So we then talked about the results from the perspective of sex.  First, she asked me if I felt like I had more awareness of my pelvic floor, and I responded that I did.  She agreed and said that my results show that I have much more awareness and control then when I started. She said that was the purpose and the goal of the pelvic floor physical therapy, and that I had gotten to where I needed to be.  She noted that since I have the necessary awareness, I just need to learn to apply it better during sex.

She pointed out that the pattern I exhibit is that I start out rather tense, but after a few exercises, I begin to relax.  As a result, she suggested a couple of things.  Her first suggestion was to spend some time relaxing before sex.  She recognized that interrupting the flow of sex wasn’t very romantic, but it might be helpful.  Second, she recommended trying some other therapies that might help me to relax more fully.  She suggested acupuncture and something called cranial-sacral therapy.  Not a bunch of sessions, just a few.  She also told me to keep up with the suppositories.

It was a very encouraging visit.  Definite progress that I could feel and that could be measured.  It looks like my pelvic floor therapy might be just about over, but I have some other options to look into to continue my progress.

 
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Posted by on July 6, 2014 in Sex

 

Renewed Penis Practice

As a follow on to my last post, I have also realized that I need to continue my self-cultivation (as the Taoists call it) – stimulating my penis while I relax.  I have gotten out of the habit because of the way I was feeling during the sex disruption and also a general increase in my life activities.  I have also been spending a lot of time before going to bed on the stretching that the physical therapist recommended, and some hip massage with a foam roller.  I have found that keeping my hips and lower back loose has really helped me feel more comfortable throughout the day, so I work on it at night.  This cuts into sex practice.

As I worked on relaxing throughout the day, I realized that I still don’t have enough sensitivity to tension in my pelvic floor muscles to relax them thoroughly without help.  I need biofeedback, and I can either get that through the machine at the physical therapy office, or through stimulating my penis.

I have had some ambiguity with this in the past, and I wasn’t always sure what was going on.  Now that I can relax more this exercise is so much more helpful.  The message is now crystal clear:

When my penis is stimulated, the muscle that tingles is the muscle that is tense.

I was unsure of this before, but now I am positive.  I didn’t have enough control of my relaxation before, so I couldn’t clearly see the correlation.  Now, when I feel the muscle tingle, I can relax it, and the sensation goes away.  When I get myself fully relaxed, I can stroke (almost) as hard as I want to and I don’t move towards ejaculation.

It is pretty cool.  This is giving me direct feedback on the exact muscles and sensations that control ejaculation.  This gives me targeted relaxation for my most important pelvic floor muscles.  As I learn to feel them more clearly, I ought to be able to include them more effectively in my relaxation throughout the day.  I definitely sense all of this moving in the right direction.

 

 
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Posted by on July 5, 2014 in Sex

 

Back To The Basics

I have been thinking about my last two posts (here and here), and what I might be doing differently that seems to have stopped the progress I was making several months ago with my premature ejaculation.  This morning it occurred to me that I haven’t been focusing on relaxing and circulating my sexual energy.  I think I was expecting that my progress in physical therapy would be doing the work for me, so I haven’t been focusing on it during sex. But despite my progress, there is still a lot of ingrained tension in my pelvic floor, and I certainly have to be mindful of it during sex. Even the experts do!

So this morning I refocused my attention on relaxing my pelvic floor and circulating my sexual energy throughout the day.  I was pleasantly surprised to find that it was much easier to do than the last time I tried it a couple of months ago.  In fact, I was able to keep my pelvic floor relaxed as I walked around during the day.  So it seems like the work I have been doing has still been paying off in relaxation even though I haven’t been applying it to sex.  I am hoping this means that I am still making progress and just need to apply everything that I know.

I can’t wait to try it!

 
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Posted by on June 27, 2014 in Sex

 

Big Disruption

It’s amazing to me how quickly small incidents can overtake our sex life.  A couple of minor things happen and the next thing I know, I can’t remember the last time we had sex.

My wife and I recently went through the biggest disruption in our sex life since the birth of our last child.  First, my wife’s period lasted much longer than usual – it seemed like almost two weeks (we don’t like to have sex when she is on her period.)  The night we finally had sex after her period was over, I got really sick.  It stuck with me for almost a week, and I was in no position to have sex.  I had absolutely no energy.  As I started to feel better, we were able to have sex again, and then we both got hit with something.  We were both not feeling well for a couple of days.  When we started to feel better, we had so much other stuff to do that we didn’t have time for sex.  When we finally got around it again, we found out she had started her period again.  It was just not our month.

This information isn’t really that interesting.  It was, however, a good reminder of how fragile sex can be.  I am grateful to the Lord that we are able to enjoy sex as much as we do.

The disruption also had a big impact on the progress I was making with my pelvic floor physical therapy.  I thought I was starting to make progress, but because I felt so terrible for so long, I took several steps backwards.  This happened back in March, and I still don’t feel like I’ve fully recovered.  I haven’t figured out yet what has changed to make me feel like I’ve moved backwards.  I’ll keep pushing through with the exercises, though.  They helped before, so they should help again.

 
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Posted by on June 25, 2014 in Sex

 
 
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