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Enough? Maybe Not

The sex we had last night was great.  It was sensual, intimate, pleasurable, and successful.

Usually, I feel like I want sex every night, especially when the previous night was good.  I just like sex and it feels good.  Often, I’ll start thinking about it when I am driving home from work in anticipation of seeing my wife. Today, however, as I was driving home from work and thinking about the previous night’s activities, I felt fully content.  I thought, “This is new.  I don’t feel the need to have sex.  Last night was so great, that I don’t need to do it again tonight.”  This was a new feeling – new and novel.

When I got home, my wife had just gotten back from the pool with the kids.  After she dried off, she had thrown on a sun dress, but with no underwear.  She knows that makes me crazy.  So I walked into the house and gave her a hug as usual.  I rubbed my hand over her butt and realized she was going commando.

Contentment over:  Time for more sex!

 
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Posted by on July 28, 2014 in Sex

 

Putting It All Together

Recently, I’ve talked about several things that I’ve found out about myself and my sex life.  This is all built on the progress I’ve made in relaxing my pelvic floor with the help of the physical therapist.  There are a lot of ideas, information, and approaches coming at me quickly that I think will help me to improve my ejaculation control.  I’ve had a hard time assimilating it all, but I finally got a chance to put it all together.

I started the night relaxing, like I had done previously.  I started out stimulating myself and relaxing my pelvic floor muscles  so that I would be ready for sex.  After about five minutes, my wife came into the room and started to get undressed.  She looked hot walking around the room naked, so my erection immediately jumped from 60% to 95%.  I felt a huge rush of sexual energy, but I was able to control it and keep myself from getting too excited.  I relaxed my body and reminded myself to enjoy the moment and not think about what was coming up.

We did have a little bit of an awkward time getting together, since she was just starting out, but I was already fully aroused.  It took a little while, but we finally got her up to speed.  Eventually, I entered her slowly and I started to take shallow and gentle thrusts.  I could feel the sexual energy start to rise, and I was able to contract some of my pelvic floor muscles to control my arousal.  This was really the first time I was able to do something like that.  I felt like I could thrust, get really turned on, then back off a little, squeeze my muscles, and reduce my arousal.

As a result, things were going well. At times I was able to speed it up and take deeper thrusts, but most of them were shallow.  As it turned out, it was still working for my wife.  At some point I realized that she was getting close to having an orgasm.  I immediately started saying to myself, “She is going to have an orgasm, which is the point of sex.  I know what it is going to feel like and if I let myself get carried away, I am going to come.  That is going to put an end to this great sex, so I need to remain calm, focus on breathing and squeeze my pelvic floor when necessary.”  I continued to remind myself to relax and to not get carried away by the moment.  I was able to keep myself at a moderate arousal level and continue thrusting gently.  All of a sudden her muscles started to tighten up and I could feel her vagina contract with her “stealth” orgasm.  I focused on relaxing and continued the gentle thrusting.  I was able to make it through her entire orgasm before I had to take a break.  I was very aroused, but I was able to keep control and keep going. This was the first time I have ever been able to do that!

Despite what my wife says, she is not fully physically aroused until she has at least one orgasm.  So after that, we were both really turned on and really enjoying the experience.  I was able to do some more deep thrusts, then back out and do some shallow thrusts.  We were having a great time.  I am still an amateur, however, and at some point I took one too many deep strokes and I couldn’t control it.  I started to orgasm, but fortunately, my wife wasn’t far behind me.  We ended very hot and heavy and passionate.  It was a great sex night!

I was thrilled that I was able to put everything together to make sex work for me and for my wife.  I was pleased that I was able to keep myself calm through her orgasm and continue having sex afterwards.  I have never been in so much control while being so aroused.  It was great both physically and mentally.  It was the best I’ve felt after sex in a while.  Let’s hope I can do it again next time.

 
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Posted by on July 27, 2014 in Sex

 

Prayer Over PE

In many of my posts, I talk a lot about the physical side of what I am doing to address my premature ejaculation, but I haven’t said much about the spiritual side since some of my early posts.  I don’t want to neglect this part since it is important to my success.

At the beginning of this process, my primary motivation for addressing my PE was spiritual.  After my wife and I did a bible study on the biblical definition of manhood and womanhood, I realized that I was being passive when it came to our sex life, and specifically the problems that I brought into the marriage.  I realized that I had a responsibility to my wife and our marriage to make sex as good as it could be.  As the man, as the leader, it was my job to set the tone and take initiative, which I wasn’t doing.  I had to start the process.

So I did.  I did it because I believe that the Lord was telling me that this was one area that really needed work and that I was neglecting.  I have to confess, however, that although I believed this, I didn’t pray and ask for help and healing like I believed it.  I didn’t pray because I still had leftover disappointment from when I had prayed in the past for healing and nothing had happened.  I allowed myself to get jaded and believe that it wouldn’t help this time.  Fortunately, God is bigger than our prayers, and he can do what he wants to do whether we want to be a part of it or not.  So he worked anyways.

My attitude toward praying about it was still not correct, and the Lord is always about getting our hearts right with him.  So a couple of weeks ago, our small group started a study of Mark Batterson’s “The Circle Maker”.  It is a bible study on prayer.  One of the things he suggests that you do is to pray big prayers over and around what the Lord has called you to do.  I felt convicted that I had been working on improving our sex life at his prompting, but I was still neglecting to actually talk to him about it.  I had to confess my fear over not having my prayer answered and my anger over the pain that PE has caused me.  Then I determined to pray for it regularly.

So I started praying big prayers for improving my PE.  I am not praying for an improvement in my PE, I am praying for “perfect penis control, just like I have for peeing.”  Now I am talking to the Lord about it, and it is helping me deal with some of the anger I have over having PE for so long.  In the end, it is not about the end result of getting better penis control, it is about the process of actively including the Lord in all parts of my life.  He can answer my prayer in any of a number of ways, but in the end, the most important part is that now I am talking to him about it.  And that improves not just my PE, but my entire life.

 

 
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Posted by on July 26, 2014 in Sex

 

Blog Post Timing Disclaimer

I feel like I need to publish a brief disclaimer on the timing of my blog posts.  In the last six months, I haven’t had as much time to write my posts as I did before.  Currently, I tend to write a bunch of them at one time, just to remember what happened and then edit them and post them later.  (I am really writing these posts for me more than anyone else, so I remember what I went through).  As a result, the elapsed time between the events is not necessarily represented by the time that they get posted.  The order is correct, but the timing is off. It might be off by as much as a couple of weeks.

The only reason I mention this is because one of the ways I determine if someone’s blog is real is if the time the time between event is accurate.  If there are consistently problems, then I know the blog is fake.

I want to assure you that this blog is real.  The times are off because I want to keep the events in order, but all of the events and the progress is true.

Thanks for reading.

 

 
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Posted by on July 26, 2014 in Sex

 

The Parasympathetic Nervous System

In my last post, I talked about a web site I found that listed reducing mental stress as a necessary part of addressing premature ejaculation.  That post included a list of what I would call negative stress about sex.  That was helpful to compile, but there was still more research I wanted to do.  One of the terms the author used was “activate the parasympathetic nervous system”.  I decided to look that up and find out more.

I did a google search and found enormous amounts of good information.  At a high level, you activate the parasympathetic nervous system when you relax.  This is necessary for calm activities like eating, healing, and sex.  The opposite system is the sympathetic nervous system which is the “fight or flight” system.  It is activated when you are stressed.  Two important things the sympathetic nervous system does is move blood away from internal organs, like your penis, and make your muscles ready to contract quickly.  Clearly, both of these are bad for good sex.

What was most interesting to me is that ANY kind of stress – good or bad – activates the sympathetic nervous system.  So when you are expecting something bad to happen during sex, you activate the sympathetic nervous system, and things go downhill faster.  But even when you are expecting good sex and are excited about it, you also activate the sympathetic nervous system.  In either case you predispose yourself to failure to get an erection and premature ejaculation (hence why some guys come quickly with a new partner.)

This definitely describes me and my situation during sex.  One of the stresses I labeled negative in my last post was that every time we have sex it feels new and novel.  When I feel that, I’ve activated my sympathetic nervous system and cause myself problems.  When I get excited that my wife is getting close to orgasm, I activate the sympathetic nervous system and cause myself problems.  Both of these cause me stress – good stress – but they still activate the sympathetic nervous system and cause me trouble  Consequently, I need to learn to control my thoughts and to keep even the good stress in check.  I need to learn to enjoy the moment but not get carried away by excitement and anticipation.  I need to learn to keep my mind mentally relaxed.  I think that will help my sex performance greatly.

 
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Posted by on July 25, 2014 in Sex

 

Reducing Stress

After my last visit to the physical therapist, I was doing some research on the web for acupuncture and cranial-sacral therapy.  While I was there, I decided to do some additional searches on ejaculation control.  I hadn’t done one in a while, so I wanted to see if I could find anything new.

I did find a site that I had not seen before, although I had seen a lot of the information before.  The author was trying to sell a program to overcome premature ejaculation, which is always a scam, but he listed all of the steps in his program.  One of the steps included mental relaxation techniques.

I have seen these suggestions before, but with the current state of my sexual performance and ability to relax, I read it with a new perspective.  It occurred to me that maybe I was not relaxed mentally during sex and that was causing me to be unable to relax my pelvic floor.

I decided to investigate this further, so I started thinking through some of the stress I might feel during sex.  I came up with the following list.

  1. Not enough frequency.  Every time we have sex, it seems novel and new, like the first time (or maybe the second).  This might be great for guys who perform like porn stars, but I need more familiarity.  The schedule definitely helps, but sometimes we miss and we’ll have to reschedule.  It just adds variation that I have to deal with.
  2. Variation in my wife’s response.  Sex never seems to be the same night every night.  I try the same thing, but the results are different.  She says she is the same but I am doing something different.  Sometimes my wife gets angry about it.  Either way, it doesn’t always work, so there is always that thought going through my mind.
  3. Rushing through sex.  Often I feel like we rush through sex, or certainly the arousal part to get to intercourse.  I’d like to slow down, but my wife wants to keep pushing through.  Sometimes I think I’m the woman – I take more time to warm up.
  4. Memories of previous failures.  I remember that it didn’t go well the previous time, and I worry that it will happen again.

As I created this list, I realized that I do have a lot of stressful thoughts when it comes to sex.  I realized that I need to be more aware of these feelings and thoughts.  I need to be able to banish them during sex and focus on the moment.  That should help me to be more mentally relaxed, which will help my body relax, which should help my PE.

 
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Posted by on July 21, 2014 in Sex

 

A Fully Successful Night

In the last week or so, I have refocused on relaxing my pelvic floor and circulating my sexual energy.  I have been much more successful with that I had been several weeks ago.  I am able to get myself much more relaxed during the day, and I am able to keep myself relaxed.  Despite all of this success, it hasn’t translated that well to sex with my wife.

To help with this, the physical therapist suggested that I try to relax before sex – just take some time beforehand to calm myself down. It is a little bit of a strange idea, and I wasn’t sure how it was actually going to work, but I ended up getting there by a different path.

Last night my wife went out to dinner with some friends.  When she goes out, she is usually out late and I don’t expect to see her before I go to bed.  So I went to bed planning on doing some of my self-cultivation exercises before I fell asleep.  I started out stimulating my penis slowly and got to the point where I was fully relaxed, and I was going to see if I could stay in that state for a while.  Then my wife came home.  I wasn’t expecting her, but since I was in the middle of the exercise, I decided not to stop.  She came upstairs, opened the door, and whispered “Are you still awake?”  “Yes”, I replied.  So she turned on the light.  When she saw me hard, she asked “What are you doing?”  “Practicing my relaxation,” I said.  “Nice, she responded.  Then she said, “That looks good.  I want some!”

So she got undressed, cleaned herself off, and got into bed.  After we made out for a while, I entered her slowly, and I was fully in control.  Because I had started out relaxed, I was able to stay relaxed.  We played around a little and the couple of times that I got close, I squeezed my sex muscles and was able to back away from ejaculation.  We continued playing until she couldn’t hold back any more.  I started thrusting to give her the stimulation she likes, and that put me over too.  It was a really good ending.

The night was very successful.  Relaxing before we start was a great idea and it worked. It is something that I should continue to do to help me get into the right state before we have sex.

 

 
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Posted by on July 9, 2014 in Uncategorized

 
 
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